


Touch of Silence

by anyrei



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bunker Fluff, Castiel in the Bunker, Episode: s10e18 Book of the Damned, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mark of Cain Cure, Men of Letters Bunker, Profound Bond, Season/Series 10, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-04-24 03:08:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4903216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyrei/pseuds/anyrei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean touches Cas after he got his grace back and the mark is silent for the first time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

 

These moments were perfection. His whole family at the table eating pizza, drinking beer and having fun. Dean felt happy – especially with the good news they had gotten today. Cas finally had his grace back. One big problem off their plate.

 

Dean took a large bite of pizza and watched as Cas and Charlie played with one of those paper fortune tellers that Charlie had folded out of a piece of paper earlier. “Okay, let’s see what your near future will bring.”

 

Cas looked at her in confusion: “I don’t think a piece of paper will tell you that.”

 

“It's a game, Cas. Just go with the flow. So, what's your favorite color?”

 

“Green,” Cas answered without hesitation. Dean looked at him in surprise: “Didn't know you had a favorite color, Cas.”

 

Cas’s lips twitched into a small, brief smile. “I haven’t had one for a long time but my time as a human has given me a new perspective on a lot of things.

 

With those words Cas stood up, took off his coat and folded it over the armrest of the chair. Dean smiled at the casual way Cas sat next to him now – the angel had come a long way since they had first met.

 

Charlie opened the fortune teller fives times for every letter in the word 'green' and presented Cas with the symbols to choose from. Cas tapped on one that looked like the symbol for eternity and Charlie opened it with a smirk: “Sleep with one eye open, gnomes are going to draw on your face!”

 

Cas bent over to look at the text before looking up at her with a serious expression: “I don’t sleep.”

 

Dean couldn’t help himself and started laughing – nearly choking on his pizza. Regardless of how much Cas had learned and adapted, some things never changed and Dean was grateful for that.

 

He clapped Cas on the shoulder – still laughing as his hand wandered to Cas's neck for another affectionate gesture, when he suddenly felt it – like a punch to the heart. The mark was silent. He was used to it as a constant throb in the back of his mind and heart but suddenly it was gone.

 

Dean looked at his arm in shock, watching in disbelief as the mark faded: “What the fuck!”

 

Everyone at the table had fallen silent and were tensely staring at Dean.

 

“Dean?” His brother asked tentatively as he slowly stood up from his chair.

 

Dean slowly pulled his hand away from Cas and felt the mark coming back – red and angry on his arm, breaking the silence and momentary peace in his heart with its dark beating of lust and power.

 

“What's going on?” Charlie asked anxiously: “It was fading right? You all saw that!”

 

“Dean, what happened?” Cas asked slowly, a concerned expression on his face. Dean shook his head: “I don't know. It just suddenly faded and went silent and now it’s back again.”

 

“Something must have triggered it...,” Sam said thoughtfully as he stared at his brother with a look of concentration. Charlie nodded: “Touch Cas again!”

 

“What?” Dean asked incredulously.

 

Charlie rolled her eyes: “You touched Cas when it happened. Do it again.”

 

Dean and Cas looked at each other for a moment before Dean reached out and touched Cas’s arm with a defeated sigh and an exaggerated eye roll.

 

Nothing happened. Dean didn’t know what to think about that – obviously this wouldn't have had anything to do with Cas. Charlie interrupted his musings: “No, I mean like you touched him before. Skin to skin contact.”

 

“Really?” Dean huffed self-consciously. Did she have to put it like that? He didn't get a chance to do anything though because Cas had already laid his hand on Dean’s.

 

The silence was instant. All eyes went wide as they watched the mark fade from Dean's arm. “Son of a bitch…,” Dean whispered and looked up at Cas with a stunned expression.

 

“I don't understand...,” Cas murmured, confused.

 

Sam and Charlie looked at each other excitedly: “Cas, do you think – I mean... um – could that mean you could get rid of the mark permanently?”

 

“I don't know. I don't know why it suddenly reacted to me. It doesn't make any sense.”

 

Dean stomped down his rising hope with sarcasm: “Yeah, maybe Cas and I can just hold hands forever. A perfect solution.” He angrily snatched his hand away from under Cas but instantly regretted his choice when the mark came back, pulsing its darkness back into his heart. “Why now? I remember you touched my arm when you found out about the mark. You know, when you were pissed at me about it? What the hell changed?”

 

Cas stared at him thoughtfully: “I changed. I got my grace back.”

 

“But how is this connected to the Mark of Cain?” Sam asked, and Dean hated the hope he heard in his brother’s voice. He couldn't let himself hope. It was too dangerous. He could control the mark better when he knew he had to live with it.

 

Cas shook his head slowly and he squinted his eyes, as if deep in thought. “I'll have to make inquiries. Sam – can I talk to you in the library?”

 

Dean stared at Cas and his brother in confusion. Since when did they keep secrets from him? “Um – something you want to share with the class?” Dean huffed as he shot his brother an annoyed look.

 

Cas shook his head: “It’s a personal matter, Dean.” Cas turned around and walked towards the library, closely followed by Sam – not noticing the hurt look on Dean’s face. Charlie did notice it though and she looked at him with a mixture of pity and confusion.

 

“Isn't that usually your job?” She asked quietly.

 

“Huh?” Dean took a sip from his beer, trying to ignore what she was implying.

 

“Cas usually talks to you about personal stuff, right?”

 

Dean growled and put his bottle down on the table a little bit harder than he had intended to. “Cas can talk to whoever he wants.”

 

Charlie gave him a look that said ‘I-can-see-through-your-shit-Dean-Winchester:’ Talk to me, Dean.”

 

Dean shook his head: “There's nothing to talk about. Cas and I – we just haven't seen each other for a while. He has better things to do than talk to a hunter with demonic tendencies.”

 

“Wow, Dean. What's it with men and their total incapacity for communication? I think you shouldn't just presume things. If you want to rekindle your friendship you could just talk to the guy a bit more. You know, make an effort.”

 

Dean buried his face in his hands and sighed dramatically: “It's not that easy.”

 

Charlie laid a hand on his arm: “It actually is. When he comes back, just take him to another room and talk. Tell him you miss him.”

 

“Woahh, I didn't say I missed him,” Dean looked at her, eyes wide with shock.

 

“Yeah, actually you kind of did. I can read subtext. Do yourself a favor, Dean and get your head out of your ass. Talk to him.”

 

Dean took a sip of his beer, trying to avoid talking about this any further. He knew Charlie was right and, yes, somewhere buried deep in his mind he knew that he had missed Cas a lot over the last couple of months. He had thought that Cas would stay with them after he and his brother rescued Dean from being a demon. But instead he had left with this Hannah chick on some Heaven business, even though he was running on stolen grace again and they didn’t really know how long it would last. Sam had told him about how broken Cas was in the final days of his other stolen grace fading. Dean hadn't been comfortable with letting Cas go around while he had this threat looming over his head, knowing that Cas could end up dying somewhere in some god forsaken, dirty motel room far away from him.

 

He was angry at himself for thinking like that. Cas was an angel and he could look after himself. Especially now that he had his grace back. He didn’t need the hunter anymore and the one time he ever did need him, Dean had left him high and dry. Dean still felt the guilt heavily weighing down on his heart and he guessed that he still had this false image of Cas in his head. A broken angel in need of protection, but Cas was anything but. Cas didn't need him – it was always the other way around.

 

A while later, Sam and Cas came back to the map room and the angel looked at him with a serious expression before quietly saying: “Dean, can I talk to you?” Dean looked up in surprise at his younger brother's sheepish glances and Charlie's wide grin. So Cas had asked to talk to him before Dean could. Worked for him.

 

He stood up and gestured for Cas to follow him into his room. After closing the door behind them he slumped down onto the bed, leaning against the headboard. “So spill.” Dean tried to be nonchalant about everything but in reality he was feeling tense with Cas looking at him all serious and whatnot. This could only mean that the angel was going to tell him something he wasn't going to like.

 

Cas looked down at the floor guiltily. “I don’t want to lie to you. Hannah didn’t get the location of my grace. I got it from Metatron himself.”

 

Dean looked at him in confusion: “So?”

 

Cas knelt in front of the bed, folding his hands together as if for a prayer and looked up at Dean with a sad expression: “Sam and I – we were desperate. You know we both would do anything to help you get rid of the mark.

 

Dean leaned forward and narrowed his eyes suspiciously: “What did you do?”

 

“I broke into Heaven and freed Metatron to convince him to help us. And by convincing I mean, I took his grace to make him human and Sam shot him in the leg. He told us he didn't know how to get rid of the mark but at least he could tell me where my grace was. I found it but...,” Cas looked down at the floor again. “... he tricked me again and fled with the demon tablet.”

 

Dean rolled his eyes: “Shit... Why didn't you tell me?”

 

“Sam explained to me that you didn’t want us to help and that you would get angry.”

 

Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Oh yeah, he was angry, alright. He could imagine what consequences this would have for Cas and his relationship with Heaven. Why this guy was always sacrificing everything for him was beyond his understanding.

 

“Let me guess, Heaven isn't on good terms with you at the moment and Metatron is probably out there and wants to kill us all.”

 

“I will find him and kill him,” Cas told him in his deep, gravelly voice.

 

Dean raised an eyebrow: “I thought you were all for not killing any more angels?”

 

“He killed you. I’ll make an exception.”

 

Dean felt a strange, tingly feeling in his chest when Cas admitted that. Metatron had done horrible things to Cas. He’d stolen Cas’s grace, used him to destroy Heaven, and he caused the angels to fall, but somehow Cas thought that killing the hunter was reason enough to go against his principles.

 

Dean smiled, laying his hand on Cas's and was still surprised at the immediate reaction this had on the mark. He watched it fade, shaking his head in awe.

 

“And then there is that...,” he murmured and looked at Cas, who had tilted his head, watching the fading of the mark with curious eyes.

 

“Yes... I can't go to Heaven and ask around. I doubt the other angels will talk to me again, but I assume they wouldn't know more than I do.”

 

Dean nodded, his fingers were still on the angel's warm hands: “You could stay here, you know. We have enough space and a big library.”

 

Cas gave him a warm smile that made Dean smile in return: “Thank you, I appreciate that. Due to this new development I think it's a good idea for me to stay near you. I don't know how to fix the mark permanently yet but in the meantime I can make your life a little easier.”

 

Dean didn’t know why, if it was just because he was holding Cas’s hand, freeing him from the effect of the mark, or because Cas had agreed to stay with them this time, but he felt happy for the first time in a long while.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 

“I know we’re way past the amount of time we should feel comfortable touching but I feel strangely reluctant to let your hand go.” Dean grinned sheepishly, a look that made him look much younger.

 

“Understandable. You don't have to worry about me feeling uncomfortable though – I'm happy to help.”

 

Dean nodded... Of course Cas would be okay with holding hands... Not that he understood the meaning of it anyway, right? And even with the low chance that he might have understood it – he was just doing it to be helpful… Dean knew he shouldn’t be disappointed by that. "So do you have a theory on why the mark is reacting to you?"

 

"Not yet. Is it okay with you if I test something?"

 

"What's your plan?" Dean asked, noticing that his voice sounded more skeptical than he really felt. Cas stood up from where he was kneeling, pulling Dean up and from the bed to stand right in front of him. "I need you to stand still while I try to follow the energy pathways in your body. It won't hurt."

 

"Mmmhhkay... Sure." Dean hoped Cas hadn’t noticed how his heartbeat had quickened as Cas pulled him right into his personal space. The angel had the most stunning eye color the hunter had ever seen and they never failed to pull him in, making him forget the world around him every time he looked at Cas.

 

Cas still held his hand, while his other hand touched Dean’s forehead lightly. Dean could feel the hand getting warmer with the prolonged contact and he noticed a faint white glow radiating from it. After a few seconds Cas squinted his eyes in confusion and slowly lowered his hand.

 

“Didn’t find what you were looking for?”

 

"It's strange. I can't seem to make out a path... I want to try something else. Would you please remove your shirt?"

 

Dean raised an eyebrow but nevertheless started to unbutton his shirt: "Talk to me. You have a theory, right?"

 

"Maybe but I'm not sure, yet. I want to test it first. I have to let go of you for a few moments and then I will touch you again at different points on your body to locate the source that is reacting to my grace. Hopefully we’ll then have an idea of why the mark is reacting to me.”

 

Dean nodded and pulled his shirt off, throwing it on his bed as Cas let go of his hand. He was starting to hate the feeling every time the Mark of Cain came back. It was ridiculous how much he wanted Cas to touch him again. He nearly moaned when he felt Cas’s finger touching his right wrist lightly. The effect was instant, like all the times before – it felt like a massive relief, like someone had lifted a huge weight from his chest.

 

When Cas let go of his wrist again he couldn’t suppress a groan, his hands automatically twitched in Cas’s direction to reconnect their hands again. Cas looked at him with a pained expression: “I know this must be difficult for you. I’ll try my best to locate the source as fast as possible.”

 

Dean sighed in defeat: “I know Cas… It’s just… it feels so good to not have this damn thing on my arm, you know?”

 

“I will do everything to help you to get rid of it, Dean. I promise you.”

 

Dean gave Cas a warm smile: “I know Cas… and I know I haven’t said it enough but I’m really grateful for everything you’ve been doing for me…”

 

Cas returned his smile before getting serious again: “Are you ready, can I try again?”

 

Dean took in a deep breath: “Yeah, go ahead.”

 

Cas touched his upper arm very gently, sliding his fingers over Dean’s warm skin up to his shoulders. He left goosebumps trailing up his body and Dean tried everything he could think of to suppress a shiver. This felt pretty intimate very fast, the way they were standing so close to each other, Cas’s gaze on his naked chest, softly touching him… Dean closed his eyes and tried to think of something different, but closing his eyes was exactly the wrong thing to do… now it felt even more intense and he quickly opened them again before his body had any chance to start enjoying Cas touching him too much. He stared directly into Cas’s wide blue eyes. It seemed the angel had finally caught on that this wasn't the usual way that friends touched each other. Dean just didn’t know what Cas thought about this new realization. His expression changed into a shy one as his hand tenderly followed the line of Dean’s collarbone and over his chest and his heart. The hunter wondered if Cas could feel Dean’s heartbeat, bordering on an unhealthy pace and if he knew that he was causing this with just the touch of his hand.

 

Cas let his hand fall from Dean’s chest and move to his other arm – quickly enough that the mark didn't get the chance to fully hit Dean again with its influence – trailing his fingers over the same places that he had touched before. Only this time he stopped at his shoulder, tilting his head in confusion as his eyes widened with realization.

 

“Cas…?” Dean asked slowly, wondering what his friend might had found that would explain the situation.

 

Cas looked up at him before answering, his voice full of confusion: "There is grace in you but... I don't understand..."

 

"Who's grace?" Dean asked, his eyes blinking slowly as he tried to understand what Cas was telling him.

 

"It's mine... but I don't understand... how..."

 

Dean raised his eyebrow when he recognized the spot on his shoulder where Cas was touching him. "You know what? I think, I know. It's on my shoulder, right?"

 

Cas gazed at him with wide eyes: "Yes, how do you know?"

 

"Cas, it’s the same place you touched me when you rescued me from Hell! Remember? You gripping me so tight, you left your handprint on my shoulder?"

 

Cas furrowed his eyebrows: "I remember but that still doesn't explain why there's traces of my grace in you... But it explains why the mark is affected by me touching you."

 

"Yeah, why?"

 

"The mark wouldn't affect an angel. When I touch you the grace in you reacts with mine and aligns with my wavelength. That's why you're immune to the Mark as long as we keep this connection."

 

“So what do you think? Is there a way to get rid of it permanently? I don’t know... could you possess me and burn it off for example?”

 

Cas shook his head. “No, remember when you couldn’t perceive my voice when I didn’t have a vessel? You would have died if I had tried to possess you.” The angel raised an eyebrow to look at Dean in surprise as he realized what Dean had said: “You would let me possess you?”

 

Dean shrugged and grinned shyly: “Yeah man, I trust you… but you know if you’re saying I’d die if you did it then we shouldn’t… you know… and it would be kind of awkward… if you think about it.”

 

Castiel smiled one of his rare carefree smiles that Dean would have loved to see more often on his face. “Yes, it would be totally awkward.”

 

Dean stepped back from Cas to get his shirt from the bed, sighing deeply as he felt the mark return as soon as he lost contact with Cas. He sat back on the bed, patting the space he had left for Cas to sit next to him. He buttoned up his shirt as he felt the mattress dip with Cas’s weight. “I don’t know yet how we can use this knowledge to get rid of the mark but I’m sure I’ll find a solution, Dean.”

 

When Dean let his arms fall at his sides Cas’s hand instantly covered the hand next to him. “You look tired, Dean. How about you sleep and I watch over you.”

 

“Still creepy, Cas…,” Dean protested weakly, feeling the tension leave his body as the mark faded away under Cas’s touch. He wanted Cas to stay with him but he felt he was slowly crossing some lines in their friendship that he wasn’t sure he should cross. It was all starting to get confusing when he thought about what he wanted and what he didn’t want and… The hunter slowly shook his head. He didn’t want to think about it. He was really tired: “Cas… are you using your mojo on me?”

 

Castiel tilted his head, his big blue eyes watching him openly: “No Dean, I think this is just a lot for your body to take. The mark is a heavy weight to bear.”

 

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Dean slurred quietly, closing his eyes as he felt the mattress shift again. “Stay?”

 

“Of course, Dean.”

 

The last thing Dean felt was Cas’s warmth coming closer to him, or maybe he was coming closer to it – it didn’t matter. All he knew was when woke up again he felt more rested than he had in a long time….

 

… And that his head was resting against Cas’s shoulder , with one of his arms thrown over the angel’s stomach, holding him close like they were cuddling!!!

 

Dean flinched back as soon as the awareness of his sleeping arrangements had struck him, resulting in Cas nearly dropping the book he was reading in surprise.

 

“Dean? Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?” Cas asked, concerned.

 

“Um.. huh? No… no, man. Just.. um… sorry for using you as a pillow,” Dean rubbed his free hand over his face, trying to hide his embarrassment. Cas still had his hand around the wrist of his other hand refusing to let go even when he had flinched away from the angel.

 

“Um Cas, you know you don’t have to hold my hand all the time, right? I mean, I appreciate the help, man. Really I do, but holding hands all the time is not the solution and it’s probably better if I don’t get used to this, okay?”

 

Cas furrowed his eyebrow and watched Dean for a moment in silent contemplation before he let Dean’s wrist go. Dean hated the feeling of the mark when it slowly reappeared on his arm. It seemed that it was becoming more intolerable every time Cas let go of him. He growled and rubbed his arm. “Good, thanks. It’s probably better if we hit some of the books in the library. Maybe we’ll find something.”

 

Cas didn’t say anything. He just nodded and quietly left the room without turning back. Dean had the feeling he had missed something. But he never knew with Cas. He was a weird little dork… The hunter huffed as his lips curled into a brief grin. He shook his head before he stood up and walked into the kitchen.

 

As Dean made himself a sandwich his thoughts inevitably went back to the fact that Sam had lied to him again. And that he had even used Cas for this plan and had persuaded him into to lie to Dean too. He felt himself growing angrier by the second as he slammed the knife into the jar of peanut butter a bit too strongly nearly causing it to roll off the table. Which made him even angrier because he knew he was losing it again. And with that thought came the fear. Cain’s words never left his mind. It was endlessly repeating in his mind.

 

_And then you'd kill the angel, Castiel. Now, that one – that I suspect would hurt something awful._

 

Dean closed his eyes. Trying to will the images away and out of his mind. The knife in his hand felt cold and reassuring, he gripped it harder, his knuckles white with the pressure around the hilt. He should go. He was too dangerous to be around. But he knew Sam and Cas would never let him go. But what if he couldn’t control himself? Charlie was in the bunker for fuck’s sake…

 

He thought about all the weapons in the bunker. How he had hunted down his brother with a hammer. If Cas hadn’t been there…

 

_Then would come the murder you'd never survive, the one that would finally turn you into as much of a savage as it did me. Your brother, Sam._

 

Dean wasn’t kidding himself. He knew that if he ever hurt Cas… or killed him… that would be it. Cain was wrong. He didn't need that last step to lose everything.He wouldn’t survive it if he lost Cas… he needed him as much as he needed his brother and that was a revelation that maybe wasn’t news to Dean but that was becoming harder to ignore lately.  

 

Dean stabbed the sandwich with a growl. He refused to analyze the meaning of his feelings because he knew it wouldn’t lead to anything. He had to ignore it for his sake and for Cas’s sake. False hope was dangerous and he couldn't afford to let himself hope for anything. This was all about damage control. To keep the darkness contained that pulsed through his heart and veins, beckoning, taunting and leading him to temptation.

 

He wished he could just die and save his family from himself. But death wasn’t even a solution for he would just become a demon again. His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a warm hand placing itself atop of his own, which was gripping the edge of the table as if his life depended on it.

 

All of the pressure, the feelings of emptiness, the black hole of darkness that constantly tortured him was suddenly gone and he could breathe again. He took in a shuddered breath, relief washing over him as he turned around and pulled Cas into his arms, one hand sliding to his neck so as not to lose contact with the angel, who had come to him at just the right moment, when he needed him the most. Like he always did.

 

“How did you know?” he whispered into Cas’s neck.

 

Cas pulled him closer: “I heard you.”

 

Dean didn’t know how long they had been standing there in the kitchen, holding each other. Dean just couldn’t let Cas go but he knew Cas didn’t mind. The hunter needed to calm down and Cas was here to help him with that. As long as it was just the two of them he could easily forget the rest of the world around him. He never had to explain anything to Cas. He always seemed to understand what was really important and what Dean needed. They never talked about it, they just knew each other.

 

The moment shattered when Charlie came into the kitchen. “Oh, I hope i’m not interrupting anything?”

 

Dean flinched away from Cas, clearing his throat, looking everywhere but at Cas and Charlie. “Um no, of course not. I was about to go anyway. You coming with me to the library, Cas?”

 

“Of course, Dean.” Cas was flat and stoic as ever. He didn’t seemed to be affected by this situation at all.

 

_Great. So it was just him feeling like an idiot._

 

He stumbled out of the kitchen with Cas in his tow, waving awkwardly at Charlie who just looked like she could barely hold in her laughter.

 

_Great…. Just great!_

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

“Sam?” Charlie asked as she knocked on Sam’s door.

 

“Yeah,” his voice sounded tired and Charlie was glad that she had thought of bringing the younger Winchester some coffee. She opened the door and let herself in, watching Sam rub  his face as he sat up on his bed, giving her a grateful look as she handed him the coffee mug.

 

“You’re a lifesaver, Charlie.”

 

“I know,” she grinned and slumped down onto Sam’s chair. “So, what’s the deal with your brother and Cas?”

 

Sam gave her a confused look: “What do you mean?”

 

Charlie grinned: “I just caught them cuddling in the kitchen and Dean was totally embarrassed. You should have seen it. Teasing material for ages. I should have taken a pic. Damn why didn’t I think of that?”

 

Sam grinned: “Uh, yeah, Dean is actually an easy target when it comes to Cas. You know the Carver Edlund’s books, right?”

 

Charlie nodded, smiling as she noticed how Sam’s mood lightened up with their topic. He needed more fun in his life. They all did.

 

“So get this. A few months ago we had a case at some high school and they made the books into a musical with a few strange adaptations but anyway....” Sam’s grin grew wider: “That’s when Dean learned that the fangirls had given a name to the epic love story that is my brother and Cas. They call it Destiel. You know like Brangelina.”

 

“Shouldn’t it be Dea-stiel?” Charlie asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

Sam laughed: “That’s exactly what I said.”

 

Charlie grinned: “So how did Dean react to that?”

 

“Flustered and he told me to shut up about it,” Sam said with a shrug before he sipped at his coffee.

 

“So you think it’s true? That he likes Cas as more than a friend?”

 

Sam sighed loudly: “I don’t know. Look, they have this thing going on where they stare intensely into each other’s eyes and get into each other’s personal space... They definitely care a great deal about each other but I don’t know if it’s more than that. I know they’re best friends and been through a lot together. And I don’t even know if Dean could feel attracted to another man. I guess Cas doesn’t care but I’m not sure about my brother. Well he maybe likes Dr. Sexy a bit more than it is normal but I don’t know, Charlie…”

 

Charlie rubbed her chin, thinking about that: “But let’s say if… if they both would really loved each other… wouldn’t it be nice if they… you know… could be happy together?”

 

Sam gave her a sad smile: “Yeah, that would be… very nice.”

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 

Cas took a seat next to Dean as he sat in the library skimming through a book with one hand. As soon as they settled down with some research material Cas had grabbed Dean’s left hand, the one that the hunter had resting on his own leg, without asking or even acknowledging it. Dean’s first instinct was to roll his eyes and ask Cas to can it with the hand holding – he could function just fine without it, but then he saw the absolutely indifferent expression on Cas’s face and decided he had a better idea.

  
  


_Okay… two could play this game._

 

Dean watched Cas out of the corner of his eyes as he slowly started to rub his pinky against Cas’s thumb and forefinger while pretending to read his book. Nothing happened. Cas still didn’t acknowledge the movement, he just continued to turn the pages of his book with a concentrated frown on his face.

 

Since the angel only had his hand loosely placed over Dean’s, the hunter could easily flip his hand over in Cas’s hold and intertwine their fingers. Cas just turned another page in his book.

 

Dean slipped his thumb in between their hands and gently started to stroke Cas’s palm. He tried to ignore the tingly feeling that he got from the action, trying to convince himself he was just doing this for… fun, to wipe that blank expression off Cas’s face and get him to… Dean wasn’t sure anymore what it was that he wanted Cas to do. Surely at first it was to get Cas to let go of his hand but now… this actually felt kind of good. And Dean really didn't want to think about it.

 

He should just let go of his hand and pull away, he should have followed his first instinct. But he couldn’t. It was ridiculous. He felt like he was back in high school, secretly holding hands under the table and enjoying the tingly feeling he got from stroking over the sensitive skin with the promise of more.

 

 _Oh fuck, what the hell was he doing?_ This was Cas!

 

He probably didn't even know what he was doing with the whole hand holding thing. He just wanted to help, like he always did. Completely selfless, never once asking for something for himself.

 

He wondered if there was anything that Cas wanted. He had never asked. Well, it wasn’t like Cas had been around for much talking lately. The angel had always been on some mission and, although he was Dean’s best friend, there hadn’t been much of a chance for them to sit down and just talk about stuff, to just hang out and do nothing important. And Dean wanted that. He just didn’t know if Cas felt the same way.

 

Dean glanced over at the angel who hadn’t stopped reading his book. Dean was still caressing his fingers but Cas ignored it completely.

 

"Cas?"

 

Cas looked up curiously but didn't say anything.

 

“Doesn’t this bother you?” Dean asked with a slightly angry tone as he pointed to their joined hands. He wondered why he even felt angry. Maybe because he was feeling something Cas just wasn’t… And Dean wanted Cas to feel… It didn’t matter what… He didn’t know why this upset him so much, it just did.

 

Cas gave him a confused look: "Why would this bother me?"

 

Dean opened his mouth to say something stupid but stopped when Cas smiled shyly at him. "To be honest... what you were doing felt nice and I was afraid if I said something you would stop."

 

Dean hadn't expected that. In fact, the angel had rendered him completely speechless. After a minute of just staring at Cas, Dean cleared his throat and looked away, down at his book, anywhere but at Cas and anywhere but at their still joined hands.

 

_Because wow... Okay..._

 

"Dean? Are you okay?" Cas asked in a soft voice.

 

"Yeah, yeah, man. I'm good, totally fine."

 

Cas gave him a look that let Dean knew how unconvincing his answer had been but the angel thankfully let it slide and resumed reading his book.

 

It felt like an awkward eternity in which Dean still couldn't find it in himself to not only drop Cas's hand but also to stop caressing it. Cas finally shut his book and looked at Dean.

 

“I don’t think we’ll find anything in these books,” Cas growled frustratedly before abruptly standing up, letting go of Dean’s hands in the process. He walked out of the library without looking back at Dean, leaving the hunter confused and completely clueless about what had just happened. His fingers still tingled from the contact and Dean tried not to think about how good it had felt to hold Cas’s hand.  

 

....:::: ::::....

 

“I found a solution,” Cas greeted them as he arrived back at the bunker two days later.

 

“A solution for what?” Dean grunted and nodded at the rumpled looking angel: “And hello to you too, by the way. Where have you been?”

 

Cas had left the bunker without saying a word and without replying to Dean’s text messages and calls. That Dean was pissed at the angel was a vast understatement. Of course this was typical ‘Cas behavior’. It wasn’t that he was a prisoner at the bunker, he could go where he wanted – Dean knew that. But still, it rubbed him the wrong way that Cas always tended to leave him and never felt the need to tell him where he was going. Not that he was worried… expect that he totally was.

 

“Hello, Dean. I found a ritual to free you from the Mark, but it's difficult,” Cas stated, ignoring Dean’s disgruntled question.

 

“You really found something?” Sam smiled hopefully at him and exchanged a smile with Charlie, who had walked up next to Sam to greet the angel.

 

Cas nodded: “I could use my grace to cleanse Dean's body and soul from the corruption of the mark.”

 

Dean walked up to Cas: “Cas, that sounds dangerous… What would happen to you?”

 

Cas’s blue eyes looked at him sadly: “I guess I would become human.”

 

“You guess? So you don't know... does that mean it could also kill you?”

 

“I'm not going to lie to you Dean, it's dangerous for me, but I'm willing to take the risk.”

 

“Well I’m not. Sorry, but I couldn't live with myself if you died because of me.”

 

“There is a way to minimize the risk for both of us.” Cas slowly added. If Dean didn’t know any better he would have sworn Cas looked nervous.

 

“What is it...?”

 

“I would prefer to discuss this in private.”

 

Sam and Charlie looked at each other with raised eyebrows, wondering what that was all about as Dean and Cas left them to go to Dean’s room

 

…. :::: :::: ....

 

“So, spill. What is it?” Dean asked roughly as he slumped down on his bed.

 

Cas stood awkwardly in his room, he looked tired and more disheveled than ever: “The ritual is only dangerous because your soul would fight my grace as soon as it enters your body. If your soul recognized my grace as not being a threat then you and I would mostly be unharmed. The ritual would still be painful but far from life-threatening.”

 

“So what can we do so that my soul doesn't fight you?”

 

“We could do a bonding ritual beforehand that binds my grace to your soul. Your soul would embrace my grace instead of fighting it. You already have a small amount of grace inside of you and haven't died from it, which means we’re compatible for a bonding ritual.”

 

“Bonding ritual....?” The hunter asked, raising his eyebrows in suspicion.

 

Dean had seen this look on Cas’s face before, when they had visited that brothel years ago. Cas was clearly uncomfortable. “Cas, wait… does this mean…? I don't know....Huh…? What does that mean?”

 

Cas didn’t look at him when he answered Dean’s question in a low voice: “It's a forbidden ritual that dates back to the beginnings of human beings. When an angel fell in love with a human he could bond with them so that the human could perceive parts of their true visage. Around this time a lot of Nephilim were created, that was the reason why the bond became strictly forbidden. But we can't create a new life since we are both in a male body and..., “ Cas seemed to be at a loss for words.

 

“Wait, so you’re saying we’re supposed to have sex?” Dean asked, exasperatedly.

 

“Y...Yes... And I know how this would be a big problem, but there is no way around that part.”

 

Suddenly Dean was very grateful Cas had chosen to make this conversation private. _Because… FUCK! … Um… literally_ … He ran his hands over his face and tried to think about what Cas had just said.

 

“You’re not kidding, are you? Oh man, how is this my life? … You know this all sounds like a really, really bad porn plotline.” Dean still had the unrealistic hope Cas would just say something along the lines of _“Haha, I was just kidding. Look at your stupid face!”_ but Cas’s expression told a completely different story. He gave Dean a pained and apologetic look: “I’m sorry, Dean. I know, this is... awkward... but I can’t change the way it is. It’s an old, archaic ritual… and it’s the only way.”

 

Dean sighed in defeat and rubbed his hands over his face: “Not your fault, Cas… I need time to wrap my head around that… and I need whiskey. A lot of whiskey.”

 

Dean retreated back to his room after grabbing the bottle of whiskey from the kitchen, ignoring Sam’s questioning look. He couldn't talk to his brother. He and Charlie could never know what Cas had told him. He wouldn’t hear the end of it.

 

Before Cas left the room he had reminded the angel of that fact and Cas had given him an annoyed look that was just short of rolling his eyes and saying _“Duh.”_

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Dean had successfully avoided Cas for the last two days as he tried to come to terms with Cas’s proposition. It was really easy because Cas had done the same to Dean. Probably to give him some time and space to come to terms with the ritual.

 

Meanwhile, Sam and Charlie pestered Dean with questions but finally gave up when Dean explained (and by explained he meant snapped at them) that he couldn’t tell them because it was something private between him and Cas and it wasn’t any of their business.

 

It had been difficult to think about it all. Every time he started to imagine having sex with Cas his brain kind of short-circuited. Not that the thought hadn't crossed his mind before, in his darkest and ultra deepest fantasies, but the fact that it was about to happen was just too much.

 

_It’s just sex... god damn it._

 

But this thought didn’t help at all. Because he knew he was lying to himself. It wasn’t just sex... It couldn’t be... because it was with Cas.

 

Cas wasn’t an unimportant, faceless fuck for one fun night with no consequences. Next to Sam he was the most important person in Dean’s life. And Dean was aware that Cas was more important to him than he wanted to admit to himself. He was afraid that if he had sex with his friend he would open a door he wouldn’t be able to ignore and close in the future.

 

He rubbed his hand over the Mark of Cain, which had felt more annoying in the past two days of avoiding Cas than ever and sighed in defeat. He had to get rid of it… Keeping the Mark of Cain wasn’t an option. He was a danger to all the people he loved as long as he had that damn thing.

 

There wasn’t really a choice.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Dean watched Cas return from the kitchen after a long conversation with Sam and Charlie. He had a warm smile on his lips as he spotted Dean and joined him at the table.

 

“You seem to be talking to my brother a lot more lately.” What Dean meant to say was: You don't talk to me anymore. But Cas understood him, because he always did. Well, when it was important, anyway.

 

“I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I had the feeling every time we spoke that you were.”

 

Dean looked at him and a thousand things went through his mind like, _You're right. I was. I couldn't bear talking to you, letting you see how far I had fallen, couldn't let you see that I was a monster you despised, and I was afraid I could hurt you. And then all this stuff with having sex for a ritual..._

 

Instead he just nodded and said: “I'm sorry. It's complicated... I just wanted to tell you that I thought about everything...” Dean looked around to see if they were alone. Sammy and Charlie were nowhere in sight. “This bonding ritual... It would guarantee a safe way out of the other ritual?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Dean nodded briefly. He couldn't look at Cas as he quietly said: “We have to get Sam and Charlie out of here. I can't have them here when we do this.”

 

He heard Cas inhale a deep breath and look up at him, surprised by the nervous look on his friend's face: “I can take care of that.”

  
Dean sighed and closed his eyes: “Okay, so we're doing this...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At one point I felt like Dean was accusing me of writing a bad porn plotline... hmmm... I don't make the rules... ;-)


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

 

Dean went to his room after their talk. He felt like a nervous wreck and he was glad that Cas had decided to somehow get rid of Charlie and Sam. He didn’t care what Cas told them… well, except for the truth of course… that he wanted the bunker to themselves so they wouldn’t be accidentally disturbed while he and Cas had sex… Oh my god...

 

They were going to have sex.

 

Dean sat down on his bed, rubbing his hands over his face, wondering how the hell this was his life. He couldn't believe Cas was okay with this... Now that he thought about it, he never really asked Cas how he felt about all of this. Maybe because he was afraid of his answer...

 

But Cas was the one who had proposed this, and the angel already told him he was going to go through with it… But he knew Cas would do anything to help him. Even something like this.

 

And maybe it wasn't such a big deal for the angel... Dean shook his head. No, he knew Cas better than that. After so many years at their side Cas had changed a lot. He wasn't the awkward, cold otherworldly angel from the beginning anymore. Well yeah he was still a bit awkward... and he sometimes could be really badass but Dean was pretty sure that Cas's emotions had gain a lot more variety than from before. So he wondered what Cas really thought about all this and although he dreaded everything about the topic, he knew he had to talk to Cas about it.

 

A soft knock pulled him out of his thoughts. “Yeah?”

 

Cas opened the door and gave him a shy look. Dean sighed and closed his eyes for a second. This was already awkward as hell. “Sit down, Cas.”

 

The angel closed the door behind him and shuffled quietly to Dean's bed, hesitating for a few seconds before he sat next to the hunter.

 

“So what did you tell them?” Dean asked after a while.

 

“Nothing. It was weird. Sam and Charlie wanted to take a trip to a museum the next state over. Something about the history of crime and serial killers.”

 

“That sounds like Sam and his weird fetish... Still... um... weird kind of coincidence.”

 

Cas shook his head lightly: “I'm not sure if it's really a coincidence. Charlie said they wanted to give us some space that we obviously needed.”

 

Dean raised an eyebrow. _Okay... odd..._ but maybe this wasn't coming as unexpectedly as he thought when he remembered all the times Sam and Charlie had pestered him about the mysterious ritual that Cas had found and that he had refused to talk about. “When are they leaving?”

 

“Soon.”

 

Dean nodded and stood up: “Wait here, okay.”

 

Dean left his room to find Charlie and Sam in his brother's room, where Sammy was packing his duffel bag. “Heard you were leaving?”

 

Sam cleared his throat and exchanged a grin with Charlie that didn't go unnoticed by Dean. “Yeah, look, I’ve wanted to visit this exhibit since I saw an ad on the internet for it and you would never go with me. Charlie on the other hand...”

 

“Yeah, yeah, is a geek like you. I know.”

 

Charlie grinned at Dean: “And very proud of the fact, Mr I-love-Star-Wars!”

 

Dean chuckled and tried to sound nonchalant about his next question: “So when are you coming back?”

 

Sam shrugged: “Two or three days. Is that enough time for you to get whatever this is between you and Cas out of the way?”

 

Dean tried hard not to react all flustered and nervous about Sam's question. If he knew that this thing between Cas and Dean... _Don't even think about it!_

 

The hunter looked at the floor and cleared his throat, hating that his voice sounded a bit to high: “Yeah... Um... have fun you two.”

 

He turned around, luckily in time to hide the burn on his face when Sam answered casually: “Yeah, you two have fun, too.”

 

“And say goodbye to Cas from us,” Charlie added before Dean basically fled Sam’s room.

 

The hunter returned to Cas, closing his door and exhaling deeply as he leaned against it. He listened to the retreating footsteps as Charlie and Sam left the corridor before walking over to his bed. Cas had watched him the whole time, he felt his gaze on him but he couldn’t look back. Dean rubbed a hand over his face before finally looking at the angel. “This is so awkward… Cas, you’re like a brother to me.”

 

Cas looked at him with a pained expression: “Dean, I want you to be honest with me. Is this going to ruin our friendship?”

 

“What? No! How can you think that? Well, yeah sure, the first few days are going to be awkward as hell, but... hey man, we’ve survived worse than this, right? I mean, remember the time you lied to us and became a vengeful god?”

 

_And yep, that was totally the wrong thing to say..._

 

Cas had a look on his face as if someone had just run over his puppy. Dean sat next to him on the bed and laid a hand on his shoulder: “Look Cas, what I meant to say was that I already forgave you for that, hell I guess I would forgive you for pretty much anything.” _And that was probably too much information, right there._ “... I _mean_ , our friendship has survived worse.”

 

Cas still didn’t look very convinced, his back was rigid and his shoulders tense under Dean's hand. Dean let his finger slide to Cas’s neck, carressing him softly with what he hoped was a soothing gesture. “When we do this, it will be awkward and everything, but we’ll get over it. We always do. We’ll just pretend it never happened. Sam won’t know anything so he can’t tease us about it.”

 

Cas nodded looking slightly relieved. Dean wondered when he had started to notice these little things on Cas's face. He once was so unreadable.

 

“Cas, I have another question and I really don't want to ask you but I have to. When we... um... do this... what... how – I mean, are there any requirements for this ritual – sex-wise? For two guys... I mean.” Dean rubbed his face with his hand and hid himself behind it. He glanced through his fingers to see that Cas wasn't looking any better.

 

“Penetration is required but it doesn't matter who does it.”

 

“It matters to me,” Dean said before he could stop himself.

 

“I know... I don't have a preference so this shouldn't be a problem.”

 

And Dean was never more thankful in his life. “You're an angel.”

 

Cas squinted his eyes in confusion: “I know.”

 

Dean chuckled and noticed how Cas smiled at that. The hunter often pretended that he was annoyed by Cas’s idiosyncrasies but deep down he felt… secure… every time Cas took something literal or didn’t get a reference. There were far too many adjustments Dean had to face in his life and it had a calming effect that certain things about Cas would never change.

 

Cas rubbed his neck nervously and avoided looking at Dean after that.

 

“You’re nervous…,” _Like me._ Dean felt strangely relieved by that. There was a strange tension between them where they both didn’t know what to do. Dean tried to calm down. He had way more experience with sex than Cas and he tried to be strong for him, to show him that this could be good – that he could make this good for him.

 

“Yes… I… It's my first time with someone I care about. And this means something to me, Dean.”

 

Dean didn't know what to say, he just looked at him. Cas folded his hands in his lap, his voice was quiet and calm: “When I disobeyed against Heaven’s orders for the first time... I was lost. I felt things angels aren't supposed to feel and… I was afraid. But you were like an anchor for me, a guide through this new world outside of Heaven and helping you gave me the security I needed to feel like an angel again. But then I betrayed you and I lost everything. In Purgatory you told me you needed me, but I didn't believe you. I thought you were better off without me, that I didn't deserve you. When you asked me what had broken the connection from Naomi's mind control, I told you that I didn't know – but I do know... It was you... You telling me that you needed me. You gave me back my purpose, my promise to do anything for you, to protect you with everything I have. You made me feel whole again, like the angel I used to be. I don't have a word to tell you how much you mean to me.” Cas looked up at Dean's stunned face. “I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable.”

 

Dean grabbed his neck and pressed his closed lips to his forehead before he leaned his head against the angel's and closed his eyes. “Cas...”

 

He wanted to tell Cas how much he meant to him. But he couldn't find the words. Too many thoughts and emotions were battling inside of him and he just didn't know what he could say to the angel.

 

“You're not... you're not making me uncomfortable. It's just... I don't know...” He let his hand on Cas's neck slide into the angel's hair, surprised at how good this felt. “I promise you, I'll make this good for you... I'm grateful that you're willing to do this... to help me. I am. This means a lot to me, too.”

 

He couldn't look into his friend's eyes as he said that, afraid of what Cas might see in him. That Dean felt more than grateful and that being intimate with Cas was one of his deepest wishes that would finally come true. He felt like he was cheating or lying about this because Cas didn't know the whole story. Dean hid his feelings for Cas pretty well.

 

“Cas, is there anything we need for the bonding ritual?” He finally asked as he slowly pulled away from the angel.

 

“Yes. Do you want to do this tonight?”

 

“We're alone now... so yes...”

 

Cas nodded, his eyes still avoiding Dean's. “Okay, then we should prepare everything. There is a lot we have to do before...” Cas blushed and rubbed his neck. Dean couldn't suppress his grin at the sight.

 

…. ::::: ::::: ….

 

A lot hadn’t been an understatement. They had needed a bunch of different herbs, for some of them they even had to hit the supermarket. It was strange and kind of surreal to go shopping with Cas. Somehow domestic and normal and Dean tried not to think about how much he would have liked that as a constant thing in his life

 

A few of the ingredients had been in the bunker’s well organized storage room. They had to add blood from both of them into the mixture of herbs and Cas had chanted something in Enochian before the mixture burst up into blue flames and smoke. Cas looked at the smoldering blue dust that remained in the bowl and scooped it up with his hands.

 

“Give me your hand,” Cas’s voice was barely above a whisper, the tension between them was almost palpable. Dean tentatively raised his arm for Cas to take as the angel carefully distributed the blue powder on the hunter’s lower arm. Cas laid his own arm over it, smudging the dust between them as he held Dean’s arm in a tender grip. He whispered a few Enochian words and their joined forearms began to glow in a soft, blue light.

 

Dean watched him through the whole procedure, his serious expression and how he could barely look at Dean. When the glow faded Cas finally looked up, his voice as unsteady as his gaze: “It's time...”

 

He knew Cas was nervous about this and he wanted to make it good for him. The hunter stepped in front of him and opened his tie, letting it fall to the ground before he started to unbutton the angel’s shirt. His pace was slow but determined, wondering how he could get Cas to relax about this.

 

Cas’s skin felt smooth and warm under his fingers as he slid the open shirt off of the angel’s shoulders before pulling his own shirt over his head. Dean walked him back to the bed and unbuckled Cas’s belt. The angel began breathing faster than before, he was so nervous he couldn't even look at him. “Shhh, hey Cas are you sure you wanna do this?”

 

The angel nodded and Dean placed his fingers under his chin in order to lift it, so he had to look him in the eyes. His eyes were wide and full of anxiety, not the calm and badass Cas that Dean was used to. Since the beginning he had found Cas’s eyes to be mesmerizing – it was always hard for him to look away. Dean’s finger stroked his cheek softly, the scratchy five o’clock shadow under his fingertips reminded Dean again of how different this was to being intimate with a woman.

 

But he had made his decision and he would stick to it. His fingers found their way into Cas's messy, soft hair and Dean could see that Cas’s eyes fluttered closed for a moment, as if he liked to be touched in this way. Dean wondered if it was okay to kiss him.

 

“You tell me if this is getting too much, okay? I’ll go slow but I want you to be honest with me. If you’re not comfortable with something I’m doing, you tell me and I’ll stop.”

 

Cas blinked at him and nodded: “I apologize for being so nerv–”

 

Dean laid his finger on Cas’s lips to interrupt him, relishing how pliant and soft they felt under his touch.  “Don’t…. It’s okay.”

 

He undid his jeans and pulled them off, his hands then fell to Cas’s waistband, undoing the button and the zipper. Cas bit his lower lip as he pulled his trousers down, using the opportunity to also remove his socks and he stepped out of them. They were both down to their boxers when Dean pushed him further towards his bed.

 

“Lay down on the bed, Cas.”

 

The angel was still nervous, his body trembling slightly and Dean wondered again how he could change that. Once they both were on the bed together he pulled Cas into his arms, close to his body not only for Cas's sake but also for himself to acclimatize himself to the unfamiliar shape of a man’s body.

 

He leaned his forehead against the angel’s. They were both breathing heavily, knowing that this was it. There was no going back from this once they crossed that line in their friendship. Dean’s lips ghosted over Cas’s before he pressed his mouth on the angel. He needed a few seconds, taking a deep breath through his nose before opening his mouth and tentatively licking Cas’s upper lip. Dean heard him whimper and felt the angel open his mouth. Their tongues met and Dean couldn’t suppress his own moan.

 

Fuck. Cas tasted like Dean’s personal Heaven. A mixture of pie, lighting and rain on a warm summer night. The first tentative brushes of their tongue made Dean’s head spin with want. How could this feel so good, so right? He was sure he had never been this turned on just by kissing someone before.

 

“Do you like that?” Dean asked, the warmth and tenderness in his voice made Cas shiver under his touch. For a second the angel averted his gaze and Dean wasn’t sure if he was going to get an honest answer about it, but then he nodded and Dean realized Cas was just being shy about the situation. It filled his heart with a fierce protectiveness over his friend.

 

He continued to play with the soft strands, loving the fact that they stuck out in every direction, making Cas look so much younger and human. “Don't hold back, okay? I want you to enjoy this.”

 

The hunter kissed him, he started off with small kisses and then licked into Cas’s mouth again, exploring him, getting to know a part of his friend he’d never dared to hope that he would be seeing before. It was a few seconds before Cas started getting braver, returning the kiss with barely contained passion. When he started nibbling at Dean’s lower lip the hunter felt his erection strain against his boxers, his hips involuntarily rocking forward to gain a connection with the angel.

 

Dean was relieved and even more turned on when he felt Cas’s erection through his boxers. He had been more worried about this than he had realized, it would have been a nightmare to have to go through this if Cas didn’t enjoy it.

 

Cas gasped against the hunter's lips as Dean gripped his hip and brought them closer. His fingers moving from Cas's hip across his stomach and chest, touching his nipple to coax more noises from the angel's lips. Fuck, Cas’s voice sounded so wrecked and so unbelievably hot.

 

Dean kissed Cas's chin and dragged his lips down to his throat, softly biting and licking at his collarbone as Cas pressed his head back into the pillow, when Dean settled himself on top of his friend. The hunter braced himself on his elbows as he teased Cas’s chest with his tongue, circling his nipples, smiling as he was instantly rewarded with the most abandoned noises he had ever heard before. It was past time to get Cas out of those boxers.

 

In the back of his mind, Dean was a bit afraid that he was enjoying this too much. Now that he knew how fantastic it felt to be intimate with the angel, to kiss him and to touch him, he was afraid that it would hurt when he wasn’t allowed that anymore after they finished the ritual. This felt like a free trial run of what a romantic relationship with Cas could be like and Dean was painfully aware that he already couldn't get enough of this.

 

He closed his eyes, attempting to banish these thoughts as his lips trailed lower down the angel’s perfect chest. He felt Cas’s stomach twitch as he licked over the hard muscles and where his Enochian tattoo lay, wondering if his friend was maybe a tiny bit ticklish in that spot. His hands ran down Cas’s sides till they reached the waistband of his white boxer shorts, gripping them and slowly draggin them down to reveal Cas’s already leaking erection.

 

He had never done this before, but instead of anxiety Dean felt only lust as he saw Cas naked under him. Feather light touches on Cas's thigh, circling Cas's arousal made the angel moan under Dean's gaze, his blue eyes glazed over with want and surrender.

 

When Dean finally touched him Cas groaned and pushed his head back into Dean's pillow, his eyes closed and his breathing turned into fast and shallow gasps. Dean knew he had to start to prepare Cas, otherwise he suspected it wouldn't take much to push Cas over the edge.

 

Dean reached over to his nightstand, retrieving the lube from the drawer. He coated his fingers generously before he settled down next to Cas, as close to his heated body as possible, and settled his fingers between his legs. Dean kissed him, burying his other hand into Cas's hair again.

 

Cas's face was flushed and he looked at him with wide eyes, breathing through his open mouth and searching Dean's eyes for something to hold on to. Dean brushed his lips softly over Cas's before he whispered in a tender voice: “This might feel strange at first... but it will feel good after some time. Tell me if I hurt you. I'll go as slow as possible.”

 

He felt Cas nodding as he lost himself in the taste of his tongue and lips again. He started with light touches, circling the sensitive skin around his entrance as he carefully pressed his fingers into Cas. Cas whimpered against his lips, the hand on Dean’s waist gripping harder on him.

 

“Shhh, it’s okay. Try to relax.” Dean licked lightly at Cas’s upper lip, biting softly and soothing the spot with his tongue. He thought he would never get enough of Cas’s mouth and he intended to make the most of the time in which he was allowed to kiss him.

 

He pressed his finger deeper inside of Cas, crooking it as he searched for that magical spot that would make this a lot more enjoyable for his angel. Cas gasped suddenly, arching his back from the bed when Dean found his prostate. He stroked it with his finger a few times, enjoying how Cas moaned without holding back. Watching, mesmerized, at how his dick glistened with pre-cum.

 

Dean slowly opened him up as he added a second finger, watching as Cas pressed his face into Dean’s elbow, squirming on the bed. “Look at me, Cas.“

 

Dean dragged his fingers lovingly through Cas's hair when Cas looked at him. “You okay?”

 

“Ye..hh...ahh...yes.... unngg... feels... so... uh... good..., “ Cas moaned, his eyes fluttered shut as Dean massaged his prostate again, his hips arching towards his fingers.

 

Dean kissed him, humming against Cas's wet lips. “You're okay with more?”

 

Cas nodded against Dean's elbow, kissing the hunter's arm before he looked up at him with lust-clouded eyes: “Yes... Dean... uh... I want you... please...”

 

Dean wasn't prepared for the impact these words had on him. He growled as his heart made a painful leap, wishing he could keep this, keep Cas forever like that.

 

He slowly removed his fingers, ignoring Cas's protest and pushed his own boxers off in a swift motion. He coated his length with the rest of the lube before he gripped Cas's hip to pull him closer.

 

“It might be easier for you if you lay on your stomach for this, but I'd prefer it if I could look at you. It's your choice.”

 

“I want to see you, too,” Cas whispered and Dean gave him a warm smile.

 

The hunter bent over to kiss Cas, open mouthed and deep, before gripping his dick and slowly pushing into Cas.

 

Fuck, he was tight. It felt amazing, all the more with the sight of Cas arching his back, moaning Dean's name loudly as he buried himself deeper in the angel. “You okay?”, Dean asked breathlessly as he waited for Cas to get used to the feeling of Dean inside of him. “Ye...hhhss.. ung..uh..uh.. please Dean...”

 

Dean was glad that Cas couldn't hear his sappy thoughts. Cas's rough, low voice was doing things to him... god, he was so hot... It hurt, how much he wanted Cas.

 

He started to thrust into the angel, supporting his weight on his left elbow while his other hand caressed Cas cheek. He couldn't stop kissing him, showing him with every brush of lips what he felt for his angel... wishing he could be brave enough for words to accompany the gesture.

 

His hands wandered back to Cas’s hips, grabbing them as he pulled himself up to thrust deeper into his angel. Cas groaned and writhed under him, the angel’s fingers sliding over Dean’s chest, his tattoo, up to his mouth. His thumb brushed over Dean’s lips, who responded by licking at it and sucking it into his mouth. Cas’s other hand slid over his shoulder and gripped him tight at the spot where Dean once had Cas’s hand print, which had faded over time and was now barely visible anymore. And this was when it hit Dean, the reality of why this felt so fucking right, why Cas belonged to Dean and Dean to Cas. He didn't believe in fate (although he had met her) or destiny. But this… right in this moment… it felt like they were always meant to be.

 

“Dean… uh… Dean…,” Cas was breathing hard, letting out little gasps, followed by whimpering when he felt he was losing himself in the feelings, getting swept away and drowned by them. Dean knew he was getting addicted to these noises, and the way Cas moaned his name.

 

“I know, I know...“ He breathed hot into his ear, as he fucked him deeper and harder. “Do you want to come?“

 

“Yes... uh yes...please, Dean...“

 

Dean slid his hand between their bodies and grabbed Cas’s erection. He swept his palm over it’s head, collecting the wetness of his pre-cum before giving it a few firm strokes. That was all it took.

 

Cas arched his back towards him, gasping Dean's name, and all the lightbulbs in his room exploded with a loud bang, leaving the room with only the candlelight to brighten it. Dean only registered that marginally, watching Cas coming wet and hot over his hand and on the angel's stomach, brought him right over the edge with him. He gripped Cas's hip hard, probably leaving marks on his perfect skin as he gave a few more solid trusts before he came deep inside of him.

 

Dean tried to get his breathing under control as he tiredly lay down on Cas and closed his eyes, hiding his face in Cas's soft hair. He didn't want to get up, didn't want to end this moment. He rubbed his nose against Cas's stubble, humming when Cas wrapped his arms around him. He slowly pulled out of Cas, mumbling an apology into the angel's neck when he felt Cas wince. Dean listened to Cas's breathing, which was still a bit too fast and ragged, feeling his quick pulse where his lips softly touched the angel's throat.

 

“Dean... can we stay like this for a little longer?”

 

Dean's nearly choked, a happy surge ran through his body, making his heartbeat stumble as he nuzzled his nose into Cas's hair. “Yeah, sure.”

 

He wondered if he was still allowed to kiss him. He wanted to but he didn’t want to complicate things. Dean closed his eyes again, dragging his lips over Cas’s throat, trying to prolong this moment of tired bliss for as long as possible. He just wanted to feel Cas, and nothing else mattered at the moment.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 

There were a few things Dean instantly became aware of when he woke up. The first thing was that he was still completely naked, half lying on his angel who was also naked and who had his arms wrapped around him, tracing soft patterns with his fingers on his back.

 

This was the second time now that he had woken up in Cas’s arms, and just like the last time he noticed how rested, warm and secure he felt with his face buried between Cas’s throat and shoulder. It was hard to recall how the Mark of Cain even felt anymore, since Cas had been touching him for probably hours now, therefore successfully freeing Dean from all its negative and dark influences.

 

_God this feels good...._

 

Probably a bit too good, he thought, as he became aware of his morning wood (was it even morning?) that nudged Cas’s hip. Since Cas was obviously having the same problem, Dean chose not to freak out about it, but instead pretended he was still asleep just to enjoy the moment a bit longer. Also, Cas must have ‘mojo-ed’ them clean at some point because there was no longer any stickiness between their bodies.

 

_So, Cas is awake… okay… um… of course he is… He doesn’t need to sleep. And he’s still touching me like that even though the ritual’s over and he thinks I’m asleep. Does that mean he likes touching me? Nah… it probably doesn't mean anything. Just an unconscious movement. Bet he’s bored out of his skull having to lie under me for however long I slept. Ugh, I really don’t want to get up..._

He almost wished he did feel awkward, lying in Cas’s arms. That it didn't feel so good and so right. He still felt guilty that he probably got more joy from the sex they had than Cas did. Cas had just done it because he wanted to help Dean.

 

_Oh god, I had sex with Cas. And it was awesome._

 

Dean almost had to bite his cheek to keep himself from smiling from how giddy the thought made him, which would have given away the fact that he was awake. His whole body ached to snuggle closer to his angel, to start kissing the soft skin of Cas’s shoulder, that was tempting his lips to close the small gap. He could probably get away with it. Blame it on a subconscious dream thing that he wasn’t aware of doing.

 

But he couldn’t do that to Cas. Dean would just confuse him and then he would reject him anyway, telling him that the ritual was over and there wasn’t any need for sexual intimacy anymore. Although he only imagined Cas saying it to him, it hurt nonetheless. Dean couldn’t face the rejection. He shouldn’t even hope that Cas possibly felt the same. The risk was just too high and the last thing Dean wanted was to lose Cas and their friendship to a silly crush. He needed Cas in his life and couldn’t bear the thought of Cas leaving him for good. Everyone he loved did in the end. It was easier not to get attached.

 

Dean knew it was too late for that but at least he could keep Cas as a friend. It's enough. It had to be.

 

Although it broke his heart to tear himself away from Cas, he had to get up. The longer he laid there, the harder it would be to keep the temptation of Cas’s warm and naked body in check, to keep himself from kissing him, losing himself in this feeling. He sighed in defeat as he braced his weight on his elbows and pushed himself away from Cas. He didn’t get far though, Cas’s blue eyes never failed to catch him off guard, even now when his room was lit only by a few candles. “Hi…,” Dean rasped, wondering why his voice sounded so rough.

 

Cas gave him a warm smile that was so infectious the hunter just had to return it. “Hello, Dean,” Cas’s voice was as soft and warm as the look he gave him and the hunter’s smile broadened at the familiar greeting. “Sorry, I fell asleep on you,” Dean grinned sheepishly and looked around the room, noticing that something was a bit off. “Why is it so dark? I thought I left the lights on.”

 

“I apologize… that was my fault,” Cas answered shyly as Dean turned his head back to give him a puzzled look. “What happened?”

 

If Dean didn’t know any better he could have sworn Cas blushed slightly. “I may have lost control and damaged all the lightbulbs in the bunker... “

 

Dean stared at him for a few seconds before he really registered what Cas had said. “The whole bunker?”

 

Cas shrugged sheepishly and Dean started to laugh. Cas looked at him with a raised eyebrow as Dean rolled off him to lay next to him on his back – laughing even more as the angel stated dryly: “I may or may not have affected the streetlights outside the bunker too.”

 

“Wow, Cas…,” Dean chuckled breathlessly, admiring the soft grin playing on Cas’s lip. “...talk about earth shat–  no… lightbulb shattering sex. Does this happen every time?” And Dean could just kick himself for asking this stupid question. He really didn’t wanna know if the sex with April had been as good as this –  that what they had shared hadn’t been that special.

 

Cas crinkled his nose as he squinted his eyes, which shouldn’t have looked so hot, but on his angel everything kinda looked hot… _oh yeah… you got it bad_. Dean hoped he could get his mind to stop teasing him for just a few more moments so he could enjoy lying next to his – also still naked friend who hadn’t done anything to change their situation yet. Dean was the king of feigning ignorance and he was really just enjoying the bliss that it was giving him at the moment.

 

“I don’t have much experience as you’re aware of but – no, my first time wasn’t as, um ‘lightbulb shattering’ as this time. So I guess it doesn’t happen every time. In my defense… you said I shouldn’t hold back.”

 

Dean’s cheeks hurt from grinning so much. He imagined his happiness dancing around in his head doing fist pumps. “Yeah, I said that… So… how do we know the ritual worked?” Dean asked, propping his head on his hand as he rolled on his side to look at Cas.

 

“You should be able to see my wings when I pull them on this plane of existence.”

 

Dean knew that he probably looked like an idiot right now, gaping at Cas with his mouth hung open. “What?!? Is there a safe way to try this? I mean, I’m not getting blinded or some shit if you do this, right?”

 

“No, if the ritual wasn’t successful you would still see nothing, otherwise you will see my wings,” Cas answered calmly before his expression changed into a thoughtful, even worried one.

 

“Cas? You alright?” Dean asked in concern, laying his hand on Cas’s forearm as a comforting gesture.

 

Cas nodded:” Yes, it’s just… um… they’re not what they used to be. My wings are a manifestation of my grace and it has been through a lot… You know that I can't fly at the moment. I will be able to at some point when my grace has recovered from this but until then… they’re broken.”

 

Dean was already hunting with his dad by the time he was a teenager, so scars were nothing new to him. He had no problem with them now that he was grown, but as a teen he remembered how self-conscious he had been when girls noticed these signs that clearly stated that he wasn’t normal.

 

“Cas it doesn't matter to me how they look like. We all have our scars, okay? ... And you know… I’d be happy to see your wings…”

 

Cas gave him a look as if contemplating something before he sighed and nodded. He fished for his boxers on the floor next to the bed and officially ended their shared time naked together in bed. It was okay though… _no really, it was_ … Dean wanted to get up anyway… have something to eat and stuff...oh… who was he kidding? He wouldn’t have minded staying naked in bed with Cas for the rest of the day… or night… whatever.

 

Dean pulled on his boxer shorts and glanced at the clock on his night table. It was shortly after 10 pm and he had only slept an hour. It felt like more but he was pleased that he still had a lot more “alone time” left in the bunker with Cas before his brother and Charlie returned.

 

Cas cleared his throat and Dean turned around to look at the angel. He was kneeling on the bed in his boxer shorts, mussed hair and lips parted slightly, his eyes still portraying some kind of insecurity or shyness about the situation. It took everything for Dean not to lean over and kiss him senseless. “I’m going to manifest my wings on this plane now. You should be able to see them then.”

 

Dean held his breath and nodded as he watched Cas close his eyes and lean forward slightly on the bed. He felt a warm draft right before Cas’s massive black wings unfolded behind his back. They were huge, filling the whole room with the tips touching the ceiling and the long flight feathers sprawling on the floor. Dean knew he was gaping but the sight was just incredible. But now he understood what Cas meant about the state of his wings. Partly, they look like they were burned and a lot of feathers were just missing, leaving the wings shredded and rumpled. Dean's anger with Metatron increased indefinitely. He swore he would kill the bastard slowly for the things he had done to Cas the next time he saw him.

 

“Does it hurt?” Dean asked in a soft voice, his fingers twitching in the direction of the feathers. He wondered if he could touch them.

 

“No, I… it did… when I got my grace back… but not anymore,” only then Dean noticed that Cas didn’t look at him.

 

“Cas? Hey, look at me,” Dean touched Cas’s face and their eyes met. “They look totally badass.” Dean grinned as he noticed Cas’s lips twitching into a light smile. He rubbed his thumb over Cas’s stubble, enjoying how Cas nearly closed his eyes under his touch. “I’m glad I can see them. They’re awesome, Cas.”

 

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas murmured and Dean watched, fascinated at how he ruffled his feathers and spread his wings even wider into the room. They looked incredibly soft and Dean mustered up all his courage to ask the question that was on his mind since they began discussing the angel’s wings. “Cas? … Um… Can I touch them?”

 

Cas raised his eyebrows in surprise: “I’m not sure if you will feel anything but you can try.”

He lowered one of his wings and pulled it forward so Dean could easily reach it. Dean hesitated at first but then he tentatively sank his fingers into the soft feathers. Cas’s eyes went wide as he shot the hunter a surprised look.

 

“I can feel them, Cas…,” Dean gasped, completely mesmerized by the feeling of warmth and softness he hadn’t suspected he would feel. A warm smile played on Cas’s lips: “I guess it’s safe to assume the bonding ritual worked.”

 

“Do you feel what I’m doing here?” Dean asked curiously as he buried his fingers deeper into the feathers. Cas nodded: “It feels like…,” Cas tilted his head with a thoughtful expression before he lifted his hand and stroked tenderly through Dean’s hair. “...Like that…”

 

Dean looked at him, suddenly aware of how close they were sitting together, still more naked than clothed and caressing each other. He licked his lips, noticing how Cas’s gaze fell to his mouth before he looked up again. Dean felt his heartbeat quicken, his whole body felt like it was surging forward, to get closer. He wanted to kiss Cas again, to feel his soft lips…

 

_No, no, no…_

Dean looked away to break the moment before the temptation got too strong. “So what happens next with the other ritual? To get that thing of my arm for good.”

 

“It’s an Enochian cleansing ritual, not that difficult. We can do this anytime you want. We just need some time for it.... especially some recovery time after it’s done.”

 

“Yeah Cas, you haven’t been exactly forthcoming with what will happen to you after this…,” Dean tried again, knowing that Cas was probably going to downplay the risk to himself so Dean wouldn’t object. He was always quick with the self sacrifice… like a real Winchester.

 

_Castiel Winchester._

 

Geez. The thought that followed didn't have anything to do with Castiel being like a brother to him… Dean knew he had a problem. He had opened Pandora’s _fucking_ box when he had sex with Cas. Now all his feelings for the angel were at the forefront of his mind, undeniable and too stubborn to go back into that box of complete denial.

 

Cas sighed and folded his hands in his lap as the black wings on his back vanished into thin air. Dean was slightly disappointed that he couldn’t see them anymore but he understood that Cas was still uncomfortable with showing them on some level. “I haven’t told you much about the consequences because I’m not sure what will happen to me. This ritual begins with the premise that I have my complete grace at my disposal. Most likely performing the ritual will deplete my grace completely and I will become human. With the bond there’s a better chance I will keep at least some of it and can recover over time but I will be human after that one way or another. It’s just a question of this being temporary or not.”

 

That Dean was shocked by Cas’s assessment was an understatement. He stared at Cas for a few minutes in silence before his mouth finally formulated the question that burned in his heart: “Why?”

 

Cas tilted his head in confusion: “What do you mean?”

 

Dean swallowed the burning sensation in his throat: “Why would you do this for me? Give up everything?”

 

Cas opened his mouth just to close it again before he looked away from Dean. “I… it’s not…,” Cas let out a frustrated huff: “The mark isn’t just a risk to you, Dean. Maybe you could fight it for years. Maybe centuries, like Cain did. But you cannot fight it forever. And when you finally turn, and you will turn... Sam, and everyone you know, everyone you love... they could be long dead. Everyone except me. I’m the one who will have to watch you murder the world. So if there’s even a small chance that I can save you, I will take it. I would do anything...”

 

Dean blinked. He’d be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t hoping that Cas would have had more… well, other reasons to do this. But of course he was just… No, Dean shouldn’t be disappointed by that. What did he expect? That Cas would suddenly declare his undying love for him? Wishful thinking…

 

Dean couldn’t decipher the look Cas gave him, his lips slightly parted, the hint of a pained expression in his eyes. It looked like he was going to say more but somehow couldn’t. Cas dropped his gaze before he spoke again, his voice a low rumble: “Could you promise me something, Dean?”

 

“Yeah, sure… anything,” Dean hated that his voice sounded so unsteady and quiet.

 

“When I’m human again… can I… is it okay if I stay… here at the bunker… with you?”

 

“What?” Dean asked as his eyes widened. “Of course, Cas!” What in the hell made you think otherwise? This is your home too…,” And then it hit him, the realization of why Cas had to ask him that, and it felt like a stab in the heart. “Uh… Cas, I’m sorry, okay? I…,” Dean shook his head and rubbed a hand over his face before he continued: “I want you to stay.”

 

Cas actually looked relieved and that hurt even more – to think that Cas really believed Dean would send him away again when he became human. Dean knew there was a lot of trust on both sides that had been lost over time because they had both made mistakes and they had both fucked up. But he wanted to change that. He wanted his best friend back and he wanted him to understand that he still needed him, not because he was an angel –  just because Cas was family and he couldn’t imagine his life without him.

 

Inevitably, his mind wandered to all the times he thought he had lost Cas, how devastated he felt at the time. Looking up and reading all the insecurity in Cas's face something inside of him broke. The dam inside of him that fought to hold back a flood of emotions erupted and without thinking he wrapped his arms around Cas and pulled him close to his body. To his relief, instead of tensing up in the embrace, Cas carefully draped his arms around him too.

 

For a blissful moment his mind shut up. Just like Cas's touch had calmed the mark before, it now cleared his doubts. But the moment was brief and suddenly he realized that they were both still naked except for their boxers. Feeling Cas's warm, smooth skin under his hands had short-circuited his brain. God, he felt so good in his arms... but this hug was going on for much longer than was appropriate. His brain shouted at him to let go but somehow it translated to his arms to pull Cas closer, to side a hand over his neck and into his soft, dark hair. "Cas...," Dean murmured into Cas's hair, not knowing what he wanted to say or if he should even say it. He just wanted Cas to understand how much he needed him, how much him sticking around made Dean happy. He remembered the words he once told Sammy about Cas: "Nobody wants you here more than I do."

 

He relaxed as Cas squeezed him closer for a moment, grateful that he had gotten his point across but painfully aware that he had to let him go before doing something stupid. Something like nuzzle deeper into the soft strands of Cas’s hair or start kissing him.

 

And yep, time to let go… because he really didn’t want to take advantage of this situation. Bad enough that he even had those selfish thoughts. He knew he wasn’t allowed to have this –  besides... Cas deserved better than this.

 

Dean sighed deeply and pulled away from Cas without looking at him. He was afraid Cas would notice how Dean really felt about this whole thing between them. So the hunter did what he always did, changed the subject and deflected touchy-feely situations with humor.

 

“Okay, buddy. How does pizza and Netflix sound to you? ‘Light bulb shattering sex’ always leaves me starving.”

 

”What’s Netflix?” Cas asked with a head tilt as he fished his shirt from the floor.

 

“You’ll see,” Dean grinned as he pulled on his jeans, enjoying the view of Cas sitting on his bed, slowly buttoning his shirt. It was really unfair that all of his thoughts about Cas were roaming freely through his mind now. Thoughts like how unbelievable attractive his angel was, with his mussed hair (that Dean had ruffled himself) and his slightly parted and inviting lips, that just begged to be ravished… thoughts like how good Cas looked on Dean’s bed.

 

Cas gave him a confused and questioning look and only then Dean noticed that he had been quietly staring at his angel for a while. Dean tried to cover this up with a crooked smile and pointed at his shirt on the floor in front of Cas.

 

“Is this where it gets awkward?” Cas asked quietly as he picked Dean’s shirt up from the floor and tossed it over to the hunter. Dean caught it effortlessly: “Doesn't have to be.”

 

There was a light smile played on Cas’s lips as he stepped into his trousers. “Good.”

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

They ate pizza at one of the huge tables in the library as they began watching a series called Sense8 on Netflix. Dean had warned Cas that he could choose - but only if he stayed away from the chick flicks. Not for the first time Dean wished they had a sofa in the library. This would have been so much… cozier.

 

He really should stop thinking about getting cozy with Cas, but the playful touches that they shared since they had started to prepare the pizza and the popcorn made him helplessly hope for more.

 

Cas threw him a look as Dean shifted in his chair for the upteenth time to get comfortable. “Maybe we could take the laptop to your bed and sit there. Would be more comfortable.”

 

Dean needed a few seconds before stuttering: “Yeah, yeah, um... that’s a good idea.”

 

Going back to his bed, getting comfortable with Cas… maybe getting closer while watching this tv-show… No! No, no, no, he was not going there! He had to restrain himself. This wasn’t what Cas wanted. He had only noticed that Dean wasn’t comfortable on the chair and it was clearly just a friendly suggestion and not an invitation to make out with him. _So hold your fucking horses, Dean._

 

Later, after they had made themselves comfortable on Dean’s bed, Dean sat the bowl of popcorn down between them to keep himself from “unconsciously” sneaking closer to the angel. That didn't keep him from touching Cas’s hand whenever they both snatched popcorn from the bowl at the same time. And if that kept happening more often it surely had nothing to do with Dean just waiting for Cas to reach in for more popcorn before having a go himself. Really. No, seriously.

 

On screen, Lito and Hernando started kissing and Dean’s throat went dry. All he could think of was how he and Cas had done the same just a few hours ago and how desperately he wanted to do it again.

 

Dean’s eyebrows went up to his hairline as Hernando put his hand into Lito’s underwear to grab his dick. Fucking Netflix! Phew… “Geez, that must have been awkward to shoot.”

 

“Why?” Cas asked with a confused head tilt.

 

Dean took a sip from his beer and put it back on his nightstand before he murmured: “You know… cause they’re not… you know. “It’s just strange for a guy to touch another guy’s junk.”

 

“You touched my ‘junk’ and it wasn’t strange.”

 

Did he really have to be so blunt? Dean threw a piece of popcorn at Cas’s face, enjoying how Cas crinkled his nose and shot him an irritated look before Cas told him in a rough voice: “It didn't feel strange for me at all when you did it. It actually felt really good.”

 

Cas flicked the popcorn back at him with stunning accuracy as it bounced off of Dean’s nose and landed on his chest. Dean cleared his throat and pretended to be captured by the scene in the show when in reality his heart was beating so fast he thought Cas just had to have noticed it. “Yeah, it did,” Dean admitted quietly.

 

He wasn’t prepared for the hand full of popcorn that rained over him after that. Dean gaped at Cas with his eyes wide in surprise, noticing how the smug expression on Cas’s face was daring Dean to retaliate.

 

“Really, Cas? Really?” Dean asked as he paused Netflix and slowly put the laptop on the ground.

 

“You had it coming.” And Cas really had the audacity to shrug with that comment.

 

“Oh, you know what? It’s on! It’s so on!”

 

Dean didn’t remember much of what happened in the following minutes of expertly aimed popcorn and pillows. He couldn't remember the last time he felt that free, that full of laughter that it almost hurt. It was then that he felt the world come to a sudden stop.

 

With only rapid, shallow breaths in the sudden silence. With Cas sitting on top of him so that he was unable to defend himself, holding his hand in his hands, fingers intertwined. Just breathing and getting lost in the endless blue of his angel’s eyes.

 

He felt at peace because he suddenly realized that Cas’s touch not only freed him from the emptiness and darkness of the mark, not only silenced the anger that was pulsing through his veins. Cas was his light, his peace, his everything. His love, that filled the void in him and made him happy, made him complete… and strong, if Dean let him.

 

If he finally decided to fight for himself and to believe his brother and Charlie and Cas that he was worth it.

 

So Dean decided to take the risk, to make a courageous leap of faith and leaned forward to kiss Cas.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick warning to all of you reading this story at public places: There will be smut! Thank you drunk_idjit for your hard work with beta-ing all this pages!

**Chapter 6**

 

It was a careful kiss, neither of them was sure how the other one would react. Dean’s open mouth ghosted over Cas’s, skimming over his upper lip as their hot, quick breath mingled between them. His heart was beating so fast that he felt dizzy, sure that he had never felt this way with another person before. Cas was it for him.

 

And with this thought the fear and doubt rushed back into his mind. What if Cas didn’t feel the same? What if it was just about sex? Cas had told him that he had liked it, so maybe that was it for him: No romantic feelings, just curiosity. Sure, he could stop the shy kisses they shared and just ask him, tell Cas how he felt about him, make a confession.

 

But he didn’t. And with every little kiss the doubt and fear tightened its grip around his heart. He could just wait and see how this would turn out. Just enjoying the time with Cas as long as his angel wanted to be with him – and as long as he let Dean kiss him.

 

Dean turned them around on his bed, pulling his hands from Cas’s, burying them into his soft hair as he deepened his kiss. He knew he would never get enough of feeling Cas like this.

 

Dean wasn’t a man of words but of action, so if he was too chickenshit to get the declaration of love past his lips, he could at least show Cas how he felt about him, hoping his friend would understand somehow. He wanted to show his gratefulness in every kiss, his admiration in every touch, his love and desire in the selfish ways that he needed him close.

 

He let his left hand slide tenderly from Cas’s dark, messy hair over his stubbled cheek, down his throat to his shirt and slowly started to undo the first buttons. Cas rubbed his hip against him and Dean could feel his erection through his trousers – there was no mistaking it: Cas wanted him and the thought alone made Dean happy beyond belief.

 

Dean undid the rest of the buttons and pushed the shirt open, tenderly stroking his fingers over Cas’s chest before he rubbed his thumb over his nipple. He loved the noises he could coax from the angel’s lips with this and how he pressed his body closer.

 

“Dean…,” Cas mumbled against his lips. Dean licked Cas’s delicious upper lip one last time before he propped himself on his elbows to look at his friend. He instantly got lost in the angel’s lust blown blue eyes that searched his for… answers. “Dean…,” Cas sounded breathless and his voice was so wrecked that it left a tingly feeling in Dean’s stomach... He had done this to Cas. “Yeah?” he asked quietly before he trailed Cas’s throat with little kisses.

 

“Can we… can we do this again?”

 

Dean smiled against Cas’s throat. “If you want to,” he answered with a low voice, rubbing his nose into the side of his friend’s face. He felt Cas nodding beside him as he nibbled at his earlobe and kissed his way back to Cas’s lips again. Cas pulled Dean’s shirt free and slipped his warm hands under it, making Dean shiver under his soft touches.

 

Dean didn't know if this was a good idea. To indulge his little fantasy, pretending to be with Cas without having to give up the intimacy after they had slept together. To pretend that this wasn't the last time they would do this. Well, maybe it wasn’t. Maybe this time would be so good that… _what?_ That Cas would fall in love with him?

 

Dean nearly snorted at his own thought and tried to stop thinking about it – consequences be damned. Cas wanted him now and who was he kidding? He couldn’t refuse Cas even if he’d tried to. He helped his friend out of his clothes and hastily removed his own before he wrapped his arms back around his angel to kiss him again. He just couldn’t get enough of kissing Cas. Everytime he did this… it just felt like they were so close to each other. Like Cas really wanted him the same way Dean wanted him. The hunter felt himself getting braver in these moments. Like he could tell Cas anything... but something was holding him back.

 

That something was a little voice that told him he didn’t deserve this and Cas was way out of his league. How could an angel love a human that was tainted with a demonic soul? Cas was going to sacrifice being an angel just to get the mark off of Dean’s arm. And Dean was terrified that he would lose Cas because of that, remembering the 2014 version of Cas from Zachariah’s future, how broken the angel had been because he couldn’t deal with being human.

 

He would never let that happen to Cas. Dean would do everything that he could to make Cas happy and he wanted to start with this right now… he wanted to show his angel how good sex could be – this time it would be all about Cas’s pleasure.

 

Dean wanted to take his time, enjoying this as much as possible. He wanted Cas to lose his mind with want, teasing him with soft strokes until he would beg for release. He trailed his chest with kisses down to his stomach, circling his navel with his tongue, grinning as Cas made the most adorable noise, something between a moan and a ticklish squeal.

 

The hunter caressed Cas’s thighs with soft touches, letting his fingers dance and skim over all the sensitives spots between the other man’s legs. Dean braced his head on one hand and watched as Cas bit his lower lip and pressed his head into the pillow, reveling in the way Dean touched him. He was beautiful.

 

It was a strange feeling, being so close to Cas but at the same time feeling so far away. Dean felt a massive surge in his heart, a longing for Cas to be his – forever. To keep him at his side. It hurt in his heart and made his throat and eyes burn with something… he didn’t know what. He was sure that no one else had made him feel like this before.

 

_Cas.... Please…_

 

He didn’t know what he was asking for. He wasn’t even aware that he was praying.

 

_Just stay… stay, please…. I need you… I love you so much._

 

Cas opened his eyes, surprise and shock clearly written all over his face. It took Dean a second to understand what had happened. _Fuck!_

 

He scrambled away from Cas to the opposite end of the bed. _Fuck, fuck, fucking shit!_

 

“Cas!”, he whispered in a shocked voice, as he looked at his friend with wide eyes. “I’m so sorry, so sorry. I didn’t mean… I…”

 

Cas opened his mouth, looking sad or confused  – or maybe both. “You didn’t mean it…,” he asked with a frown as he blinked at him.

 

Dean didn’t know what to say or what he should do. “Well, you know... “ _Oh, god, what should I say? What should I say!!??!_ “Um…,” _He doesn’t want you like that, fuck. You know that! Don’t pressure him with this fucking love confession. You’re gonna lose him._ “I… um… Cas… I didn’t mean to say that to you. Please forget I thought that. It doesn’t mean anything, it’s just because… you know, a stupid human thing… because we were having a good time and all…”

 

Dean could practically see how the light in Cas’s eyes died before his gaze dropped and he looked down at the bed sheets.

 

“Cas…,” Dean started, without thinking about how he would end the sentence. He touched Cas’s cheek tenderly so he would look at him. It had almost looked like… _No. Or maybe? Fuck, why was this so difficult?_

 

Cas frowned and looked up at Dean. The hunter gulped and tried again: “I’m sorry, Cas. This is all very… complicated”

 

Cas closed his eyes for a second: “For me, too.”

 

Dean grabbed Cas’s hand and caressed it with his thumb. “All I want is…um... I just don’t wanna lose you. You’re the only friend I have.”

 

Cas sat up on the bed and wrapped his free hand around Dean’s neck to draw him in. Dean closed his eyes as they shared a soft kiss before Cas leant his forehead against Dean’s. “You will never lose me, Dean.”

 

His voice was so determined, so sincere – that Dean just couldn’t help but believe Cas. He looked up, his eyes captured by the ocean blue’s of his angel. Dean’s voice was quiet, wrecked but he didn’t care. He just had to ask: “Even… if… I meant those words?”

 

Cas lips broke into a smile and Dean felt a tear falling from his eye. “Especially if you meant them.”

 

All of the sudden it felt like a terrible weight had been lifted from Dean’s heart – a weight that had its cold claws of doubt, fear and self-hatred wrapped relentlessly around his heart and that he had never noticed before. Now that it was gone he felt light, happy and carefree, something he thought he would never feel again, that he had lost long ago around the time his mother had died.

 

Cas had given him all of this back with just one smile. One confession, that gave him hope and made him feel loved. That could end the loneliness and darkness in his soul.

 

Dean felt warm fingers tenderly on his cheek, rubbing the stray tear away before Cas leant in and kissed him again. Just a quick, soft brush of lips that conveyed Cas’s intention and made Dean understand that he wasn’t alone and that he could have this for real.

 

For a moment he couldn’t believe his luck.

 

He pulled Cas into his arms, kissing the tip of his ear before slowly pushing him down on the bed. Now that he was allowed to, he took his time just admiring Cas while his fingers fondled the soft, dark strands of his angel’s hair. Cas looked back at him with a warm, soft smile on his lips, his blue eyes shone bright with happiness. He had an infectious smile that made the corner of his eyes crinkle. It was still hard for Dean to believe that he had put it there. He knew he would need time to get used to the thought that… Cas and he… He still didn’t know what to call their updated relationship. But it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered in that moment as Dean lost himself in the feeling of happiness and for the first time he just forgot about the rest of the world. Everything out there suddenly seemed so far away.

 

The warm flicker of candlelight let shadows dance across Cas’s lips and the hunter felt his gaze drawn to them.He hadn’t come around to replacing the broken lightbulbs in his room but maybe it wasn’t worth it just yet. He had plans for the rest of the night that could possibly cause them all to shatter again.

 

Dean bent down to kiss Cas, enjoying the way Cas gripped the hunter’s hips to pull him in closer. A quiet gasp slipped from the angel’s lips as they both rubbed their erections against each other, and it fueled Dean’s arousal a hundredfold.

 

Cas moaned at the sensation of Dean softly biting at his upper lip before moving on to kiss and nibble his way down to Cas’s chest, stroking his fingers down the sensitive skin over his ribs as he flicked his tongue over each nipple. Cas let his head fall back into the pillow again, his hips pressed against Dean’s. Dean smiled against his skin, his teeth and tongue teasing it’s way across the angel’s chest before the kisses travelled lower. A quick swirl around the navel left Cas panting uncontrollably.

 

He had never done this before. For a moment it felt strange being this close to another man’s dick but he knew that this was just his upbringing as a hunter that played into this feeling. He wanted this, he wanted Cas to feel how good this felt.

 

He experimentally licked at the head, tasting a bit of pre-cum, and nearly moaned just from that alone. Somehow, just the thought of having a part of Cas in his mouth was hot as hell and he felt his own dick hardening with every swipe of the tongue that followed. When he wrapped his lips around Cas, it happened. A warm breeze shifted through the room and suddenly Cas’s wings appeared out of nowhere.

 

“Woah,” Dean leant back and for a moment could only gape at Cas in awe. He couldn’t get over how beautiful and… well, just badass Cas looked with those massive dark wings that, spread across the bedsheet and reaching far out into Dean's room.

 

Cas squinted his eyes in confusion before realization hit him: “I apologize. I’m still not used to you seeing my wings. I’m sure that must be off putting for you… I’ll tuck them away…”

 

“Don’t you dare,” Dean interrupted, wrapping his fingers around the angel’s wrist. The surprise on Cas’s face was evident, he clearly didn't understand how much Dean loved seeing that part of him.

 

“I’m not good with words, Cas… but seeing your wings… It’s awesome. They’re a part of you, a part of the real you I can see and touch…,” Dean let his fingers slid through the soft feathers to give his words more weight, enjoying the way Cas’s eyes fluttered shut for a moment as he shuddered under his touch.  “Yeah, you have scars but they’re there, telling a story about your life, about everything you’ve done. They show you’re a fighter, Cas. How you put yourself in danger to protect others, no matter the consequences to yourself. There is nothing to feel bad about. There isn’t anything not to like… quite the opposite.”

 

Dean buried his fingers deeper into the wings, relishing in the feeling of warmth and softness. He smiled at Cas, nudging the tip of his nose with his own before he nipped at his upper lip. “So if you could… if it’s okay with you, I mean… Don’t put them away.”

 

Cas blinked and tilted his head slightly: “Are you sure?”

 

Dean nodded, leaving small kisses on Cas’s throat and cheek: “Yeah, I mean if it’s okay with you and not… I don’t know… straining for you to keep them here.”

 

“It’s not. I’m just glad you haven’t fixed the light bulbs yet, otherwise I would have broken them again.”

 

Dean leant back to look at his angel: “That was your wings? But how… you said you destroyed them throughout the whole bunker… even the ones outside.”

 

Cas gave him one of those rare, lopsided grins: “It’s the transition. The moment I spread them out into their true form or pull them onto this plane they react with the electric pathways in the area. Once they’re on this plane they become a part of my corporeal form and they adjust to my size. Before they manifest into wings with feathers they are pure, celestial lightwaves… like the rest of me.

 

Dean gave him a contemplative look: “Since we’re at angel 101... what happens with your wings... after the ritual? I mean, you told me they’re tied to your grace, right?”

 

Cas nodded, biting his lower lip: “Worst case scenario they’ll burn into nothingness along with my grace.... but like I said, now that we’re bonded there is a chance I will keep at least a bit... which would recover over time. Like it is doing at the moment.”

 

Dean closed his eyes for a moment. “If we wait for your grace to fully recover would that increase your chance?”

 

“Yes,” Cas simply stated in a low voice.

 

“But it’s not a guarantee…,” Dean whispered and let his gaze wander over Cas’s wings. He couldn’t let Cas sacrifice this… It was too much.

 

Cas touched his cheek and rubbed his thumb over Dean’s stubble, reminding the hunter on a totally different note that he really should shave soon. “Nothing in life is, Dean. But I would say I have a very good chance at still being an angel after this. And even if not… it’s worth it.”

 

“How can you say that?” Dean shouted angrily – he wasn’t angry with Cas, more with himself. He was afraid that he would let Cas down, that Cas would sacrifice everything for him only to be disappointed in the end.

 

Cas scowled and sat up. “Because I know how I felt when I thought Metatron killed you.”

 

“What?”

 

Cas looked down for a moment: “I… I can not lose you again and if you become a demon I will. I know, I’m selfish in my motivations to save you. I’m not doing this to save innocent lives or to save the world… I just want to stay at your side. I want you…”

 

For a moment Dean just gazed at him before slowly shaking his head. He felt a smile creep up on his lips that Cas returned shyly. “You’re the only one who would do something like that and call it selfish… you idiot.”

 

Dean pushed Cas down on the bed and crawled over him, licking deep into his mouth, determined to show Cas how much of an idiot he really thought his angel was.  

 

“Dean,” Cas moaned against Dean’s lips as the hunter slid his hands back into Cas’s hair, finding he was becoming addicted to that feeling. Cas dragged his hands up Dean’s back, fingers digging into this muscles, pulling him even closer. “Cas…,” Dean whispered back, “I want you…” Dean looked up at Cas with questioning eyes. “Is that okay?”

 

Cas nodded breathlessly before recapturing Dean’s lips in a deep and passionate kiss. Dean shuddered as he held himself over Cas’s body. They traded a few licks and soft bites and then Cas spread his legs so that Dean could settle between them. It was such a small gesture, yet it made Dean dizzy with want. He reached for the bottle of lube on the nightstand, aware that the bottle was nearly empty and it reminded him that he would need to buy a lot more over the next few days.

 

He slicked the fingers of his right hand and gently circled Cas’s entrance before slowly pushing a finger in and capturing Cas’s lips in a deep kiss once again. His angel moaned desperately against him, arching off the bed, his hands gripping the sheets tightly, and the feathers on his wings rustled softly as they twitched against the sheets.

 

Dean loved to watch how Cas came undone under him, writhing with want – the way he still seemed to be slightly surprised by the pleasure this was giving him. Seeing his wings spread out on his bed made this picture simply perfect. It still was hard to believe that Cas was feeling the same for him, that he wanted to be with the hunter. Dean knew he needed time to let this thought settle.

 

“Dean…, please,” Cas moaned as he slid his fingers into Dean’s hair to pull him closer. Dean kissed him quickly before removing his fingers to distribute the rest of the lube on his throbbing dick. He slowly entered Cas, having to stop every few seconds for fear that he would come just from those sensations alone. Seeing Cas with his wings under him, flushed with want, brought him pretty damn close already, and he didn’t want this to be over too soon. He wanted to take his time.

 

When he was settled deep inside his angel he bent over to kiss him, giving him time to adjust, but Cas was impatient. He pushed against him and Dean bit into Cas’s shoulder to restrain himself. “Fuck!” he murmured and licked at the bite mark. “Sorry,” the hunter kissed along Cas’s throat as Cas turned his head and rubbed his stubble against Dean’s face. “It’s okay, uh… you… feel so good.”

 

Dean rolled his hips as they moved together, starting a slow paced rhythm as he braced his weight on his left elbow to bury his free hand into Cas’s soft feathers. He let his fingers glide through them, noticing how Cas closed his eyes and bit his _oh so kissable_ lips. Dean just couldn’t get enough of watching Cas. He scrambled back on his knees to get a better angle, not only to have more leverage to push in deeper and harder but also to have a better view of Cas lying under him. Somehow the sight was so damn hot, reminding him that Cas was his and how he let Dean _fuck_ him.... The thought nearly made Dean come and he moaned as he thrusted harder, enjoying the gasps and moans falling from his angel’s lips.

 

Dean placed his hand under Cas’s knee and pulled his leg up, laying it on his shoulder as he gripped Cas’s hipbones. The angle was perfect, he could feel just how deep he could thrust into Cas, hitting Cas’s prostate every time. Cas moaned loudly and unashamedly, his head pressed into Dean’s pillow. One of his hands left its position on Cas’s hip and stroked Cas’s chest, grazing his nipples as he slid his hand down Cas’s stomach. Cas gasped his name once, twice… his voice sounded so wrecked like he was falling apart under him. “Dean, I… uh… Dean… please…”

 

Dean brushed the thumb of his left hand over Cas’s lips, loving how abandoned Cas looked as he licked at Dean’s finger. Dean felt his own breath coming in shallow gasps with the sight of it: “Yeah, make them wet, baby.” He pushed two fingers into Cas’s mouth so he could lick them too – knowing that this would feel so much better for Cas when he touched his dick afterwards with his spit-slick hand. Cas moaned around his fingers as Dean continued to thrust into him, harder than he had before. He pulled his fingers away from Cas’s mouth and wrapped them around the angel’s leaking dick. Cas arched his back with a gasp when a sudden curse word fell from his lips: “Fuck!”

 

And Dean lost it. The thin control he had left to restrain himself just broke away with Cas being as unbelievably hot as he was, cursing and moaning loudly under him. He nearly lost his rhythm, trying to keep it steady as he stroked Cas’s dick hard and fast to push him over the edge with him. His whole body tightened as he felt his orgasm on the brink, just one more moment… And then he felt Cas coming over his hand with wet, hot stripes, his whole body clenching around him, pushing Dean’s sensations into overload. He groaned as he thrust one last time into his angel, feeling his release shooting deep inside of him.

 

Dean collapsed on Cas’s chest, breathing hard. "Fuck, Cas..." he breathed out... Because _fuck_... He couldn't remember ever coming this hard in his life. The hunter closed his eyes, kissing Cas's throat languidly before he tucked his head against his neck. His breathing was still ragged and he heard that Cas was out of breath, too. He could also feel the fast pulse under Cas’s skin where his face touched the angel’s throat. In so many ways Cas appeared to be human, although his massive dark wings were still visible under them and it suddenly

dawned on Dean that there were a lot of things that the hunter didn’t knew about his angel.

 

But hopefully he had the rest of his life to change that.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Dean decided that waking up next to Cas was the perfect start to the day. His angel had one of his arms slung across the hunter’s chest, his tousled hair tickled at Dean’s nose where he was lying under his chin. Dean rubbed his face into Cas’s hair and kissed the top of his head before attempting to get up. Cas wasn’t moving or reacting to any of his movements, which made Dean stop for a moment in wonder. “Cas?”

 

Cas hummed, a low gravelly sound against Dean’s throat as he tried to snuggle closer to Dean. Was Cas asleep? Since when did he sleep? Dean tried it again: “Cas? Are you actually sleeping?”

 

Cas made an affirmative noise but otherwise didn’t comment. “Since when do you sleep? I mean, since you don’t have to. Are you okay?” Dean actually was concerned now. Had the ritual weakened Cas’s grace and he hadn’t told him about it?

 

Cas gave up his cozy place on Dean’s chest with a growl and looked up at Dean with a tired and disgruntled expression. “I’m okay. I don’t have to sleep, I just… for the first time  I wanted to… And I wouldn’t have been opposed to the idea of sleeping some more if you hadn’t woken me up.”

 

Dean interpreted that as Cas’s way of telling him that a) Cas wasn’t a morning person and b) … Dean wasn’t sure there had been a b) but Cas’s sleepy expression and slightly open and inviting lips distracted his line of thoughts. “Um… sorry… I woke you up,” he murmured and kissed him tenderly. Cas gave him a warm smile before lowering his head, leaving soft kisses on Dean’s bare chest. Dean sighed contentedly. This was perfection.

 

His stomach growled and he sighed again, but this time it was more out of frustration that he had to leave his cozy bed. “I hate to ruin the moment but I have to get up…”

 

“Why?” Cas growled lowly as he licked a stripe over Dean’s left nipple, causing Dean to sharply inhale a breath. Dean chuckled: “That’s so unfair… I have to… gnnn… Cas…” The angel hummed like he couldn’t care less and of course it didn’t stop him from mapping Dean’s chest with his tongue and lips. Although he didn’t really want to disturb Cas’s exploratory mood, he knew he would enjoy all of this more if he wasn’t hungry and had to badly take a leak.

 

“Caaaaas…,” he knew he was whining, it was pathetic.

 

Cas sighed in frustration and looked up: “How about a compromise? To save time I’ll make you some coffee and a sandwich while you do whatever you need to do.”

 

“I hate you.”

 

“No, you don’t.”

 

“You’re right,” Dean grinned and kissed him quickly before he swung his legs out of the bed. He saved one last glance to admire Cas’s naked body on his bed and smiled with how easy everything felt. The bantering, the open exchange of affection… Dean was happy.

 

The happiness lasted till he reached the bathroom door. The mark was pulsing on his arm, reminding him that it was still there and that nothing good could stay in Dean Winchester’s life. That everything would end in tears and death.

 

What was he thinking anyway? That he would get his ‘happily ever after’ now that he knew how Cas felt about him? That somehow this would make everything better? He was still a hunter, like he would always be, and this meant that some day some monster was still going to end up ganking him. And Cas? There was a good chance he’d end up human once they got the mark off his arm. He would be vulnerable… he could die.

 

And it would be his fault.

 

He wasn’t prepared for the pain that flooded his heart with those thoughts. Dean leant his head against the cold bathroom tiles as he started the hot water in the shower. He pictured his problems and the bad feelings being washed away by the water, like he always tried to do in the past when he wanted to make himself feel better. He knew the thoughts were coming from the mark. He wasn’t usually _that_ negative… or at least, he didn’t used to be.

 

And he didn’t want to be. Dean wasn’t stupid. All of his worries and fears – that he would fuck things up with Cas, that his friend would see that he wasn’t worth all the effort – were rooted in his own reduced and destroyed sense of self-worth. Throughout his life, the people Dean loved had left him. Either because they died or because of his life as a hunter. He knew that it had left its own mark on his soul, a scar that had never healed and was fueled by all the darkness coming from the Mark of Cain.

 

Of course Dean was afraid that he would lose Cas. But he knew his friend. Deep down he knew that Cas would never abandon him. He had always been there for him, even when they hadn’t been on good terms with each other.

 

Cas had always given him the impression that he would be perched on Dean’s shoulder. A tiny smile made its way to Dean’s lips with the thought, reminding him of the conversation from six years ago, when Cas had growled at him that he wasn’t on earth to perch on Dean’s shoulder. Except that he totally was. His mom had told him that angels were watching over him and she had been right.

 

Dean quickly dressed himself after the shower with a new resolution. Yes – this was the honeymoon phase and he was totally aware of all the flowers and butterflies and rainbows but _FUCK_ he was going to let the Mark of Cain take this from him. After all the shit he’d been through, he deserved this! They both did.

 

So Dean instantly felt better as he spotted Cas in front of the coffee machine, scowling at it like it was one of Crowley’s minions. He wrapped his arms around him from behind and kissed his neck before he placed his chin on Cas’s shoulder.

 

“Is the coffee machine winning?”

 

Cas hummed and leaned back into Dean’s embrace. “I’ve made you a sandwich,” Cas pointed to the counter and – yep, there was a fresh sandwich just waiting for Dean and it looked delicious. Two perfectly cut slices of toast with ham and cheese and even a tomato in between.

 

Dean grinned and kissed Cas’s cheek. “You’re awesome, Cas.”

 

Cas thanked him with a shy smile: “There are a few things I have learned. But still... I often forget how difficult life as a human can be and how much I still have to learn. Sometimes I still have the feeling I stick out like a sore finger.”

 

“Thumb.”

 

“What?”  

 

“It’s ‘sticking out like a sore thumb’.”

 

“Yes, that's exactly what I meant,” Cas sighed into his coffee mug.

 

“Yeah, but you know this time around... you have me.  I can show you the ropes.”

 

Dean nearly whispered the last words. He still felt guilty about the last time Cas had been human. And although Cas had forgiven him, Dean still wished he had been at his side, helping him with his first steps into humanity. He had failed Cas in this and although the angel had never blamed him for the decision, had even understood that Dean hadn’t had a choice in that matter, it didn’t make it any better. Dean still felt like the worst friend in history.

 

Thinking about all that he noticed that there were still a lot of things he didn't know about his friend. “I always wondered, Cas… When you were a human the last time… did you have a soul?”

 

Cas looked up at him in surprise: “No, angels don’t have souls.”

 

“But why is it that you didn’t run around like a robot, like Sammy did?”

 

Cas bit his lip and looked up at the ceiling: “It’s hard to explain… Even if I look like a human and I don’t have any powers… I don’t stop being an angel. I guess you can compare being an angel with a soul. I don’t have a body. I have emotions, intent... but I’m light. My grace – is my source of power and it’s intertwined with my essence. It’s my father’s gift to every angel, for our protection and to fulfill his wishes. It’s a tool, like a weapon, a shield or… like a body… and like a body it’s different for every angel.”

 

“And you recognize other angels because you can somehow see that essence?”

 

“Exactly. For me it’s like seeing their true face. There are a lot of things that I perceive differently than you. Souls, angels, demons, time… even food… It’s just that… I know… we are very different, Dean and–”

 

Dean held up his hand. “Let me stop you right there, Cas. I know, I often forget that you’re an angel and I treat you like one of us. That’s because we’re more similar than we are different. Actually I think we’re very alike… you know with the important stuff. So it doesn’t matter to me if you’re a lightwave or whatever… I like you just the way you are.”

 

Cas smiled and looked down at the table. Dean reached over it and grabbed his hands, intertwining their fingers. “And this is why I want to wait with the ritual. I want you at full power for this. I want the best chance for you to stay just the way you are after that. I don’t want you to sacrifice anything for me.”

 

Cas wanted to interrupt him but Dean shook his head: “I know what you’re gonna say, cause I would say the same to you if our places were be reversed. But Cas… we can afford to wait. You help me keep the mark in check for as long as you’re recovering and we’ll go into this with the best chances for you. There’s no rush, okay?”    

  
They looked at each other for a moment in silence before Cas finally nodded: “Okay.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 

The rest of the day had been pure bliss. It felt like being a horny teenager again, being alone with his lover for the first time. By the end of the day Dean thought that they had made out on every horizontal surface in the bunker… except Sam’s and Charlie’s room. Because Dean really didn’t want to think about his brother while he had Cas’s dick in his mouth.

 

Their escapades were only interrupted by a quick trip to the local store after breakfast to re-stock their supplies and yes, that meant, first and foremost, buying a few bottles of lube. Even Cas understood that this was a good enough argument to take a break from kissing and touching, at least for a little while. Even if it was hard.

 

Dean had the feeling they were desperately trying to catch up for all the time they had known each other and never acted on their feelings. That’s why they had sex in the backseat of the impala as soon as they returned to the bunker’s garage.

 

Since they made it back to the Dean’s bed and learned that Cas didn’t have a long refractory period (lucky bastard) he had been busy kissing and licking Dean’s chest while the hunter laid perfectly relaxed on his bed with a goofy smile on his face.

 

In short: Dean felt really good up until the moment his cell phone rang.

 

“Ugh,” he reached over to his nightstand and looked at the display. Sam.

 

_Fuck._

 

Cas looked up at him with his beautiful, questioning eyes as he continued to kiss around Dean’s navel. Dean wasn’t ready to tell Sam about Cas. He hadn’t even had time to think about it.

 

He answered his phone with anxiety pooling in his stomach and an insecure look at Cas who stopped kissing him and returned it with a head tilt and a confused expression.

 

“Sam. Hi,” Dean greeted his brother, trying for a nonchalant tone in his voice but was completely failing.

 

“Um, Hi, Dean. I’m just calling to tell you, we’re heading back tomorrow morning. So we’ll probably be back in the bunker around noon.”

 

“Uh, yeah. Thanks for the heads up.”

 

“No problem. Are you alright? Everything okay with you and Cas?”

 

“Me and Cas? Yeah, sure. Everything’s good in the hood.” _Oh, no. Did he really just say_ _that?_

 

The pause on the other end of the line made this even more awkward. “Did you really just say that?”

 

Dean rolled his eyes and growled at Sam: “We’re fine! We’re having a great time… gnnn…”

 

Cas had licked into his navel and was now grinning at Dean. That cheeky son of a–

 

“Dean? Are you okay?” Sam asked, sounding worried.

 

“Yes, I’m fuHHh-ine… um, I’m fine. Can I caaaaAAll you back?”

 

“Um, sure Dean... “

 

Dean ended the call and shot Cas a playfully angry look: “Are you sure you’re an angel?”

 

Cas answered with a innocent look and a nod before he knelt next to Dean on the bed.

 

“You didn’t tell him,” Cas stated and it was impossible for Dean to analyze how Cas felt about that. His expression was stoic and unreadable as ever.

 

“No…,” he answered carefully, watching Cas’s expression for any change. He knew he could have easily used an excuse like he didn’t want to break the news over the phone but that wasn’t was Cas was asking.

 

“Do you want to keep this a secret?” His friend still had a blank look firmly fixed on his face – _hell,_ he could beat anyone at poker with that expression.

 

“I don't know,” Dean ran his hand over his face and sighed deeply. “Would it be a problem if we waited?”

 

Cas just stared at him for a moment with a thoughtful expression: “Do you really think Sam or Charlie would judge you for being with me?”

 

“No, of course not. That’s not the problem…” He sighed and rubbed his hand roughly over his face again, knowing that Cas still expected an answer. “Cas… this is still all very new to me… and I think I need time to… I don’t know… get used to this... It’s not that easy.”

 

Cas tilted his head, squinting his eyes – and Dean would never, not even under torture, confess how cute his angel looked when he did that. “I see...”

 

Dean knew that Cas didn’t really understand and that he was just respecting his wishes. He also knew that Cas deserved better. Somehow he had to work through these issues because he didn’t want Cas to think that he wasn’t committed to him.

 

Because he was. He knew with every fiber of his being that he wanted to be with Cas and that he wanted to spent the rest of his life with him.

 

He knelt behind Cas on the bed and pulled him into his lap, his arms firmly wrapped around Cas’s chest as he laid his chin on the angel’s shoulder. “I know, it’s hard to understand… Got nothing to do with logic or that I don’t want to tell them. Because I do. And I will.” He kissed along Cas’s throat before he quietly continued to explain his feelings to his angel. It wasn’t easy to get all of this out in the open, to find words for his insecurities but he had to do this. He didn’t want to fuck this up and Cas deserved to know what was going on in his head.

 

Cas was about to give up everything for him… again, and Dean just had to man up on this. “I know, it’s stupid and if I try to explain… I don’t know, if anything will make sense to you. But I’ll try anyway…”

 

Dean let his fingers roam Cas’s naked chest. His body was warm and Cas leant into him but was otherwise quiet and unmoving. Dean couldn’t see his face from the position he was in, but maybe in this situation that was a good thing. He didn’t know if he could say all the things he had planned to say to Cas if he were facing him. “Growing up on the road, in a hunter’s life… it’s a tough job. If you show any kind of weakness… you’re done. For a long time, Sam was my only weakness and it always came down to that. Saving him, protecting him… like my old man told me to.”

 

Cas bent his head forward and hummed as Dean kissed his neck before he continued: “And all our enemies used that information against me. Tried to get to me through Sam…” Dean nuzzled his nose into Cas’s hair and closed his eyes for a moment: “Every time I let myself love someone I threw them into my life, into danger.”

 

“You didn’t throw me,” Cas murmured quietly.

 

“I know… and I’m afraid because I can’t protect you, Cas. I can’t just leave you somewhere safe. You’re standing at the front line with me and if… they know… that I… what I feel about you… I’m afraid I will lose you... And I can’t lose you...“

 

Dean pulled Cas closer to his body, he needed to feel every inch of his warmth on him. He kissed him between his shoulderblades and his neck again before he leant his face against his shoulder. “If you do this ritual–”

 

“When, not if,” Cas interrupted him with a determined tone in his voice.

 

“When you do this ritual you’ll may end up as a human. You can get injured and you can die.”

 

“Dean, I’m neither invincible nor immortal as an angel.”

 

“I know, but there aren’t many things in this world that can jump you, Cas. But as a human?”

 

Cas sighed deeply and turned his head to lean it against Dean’s: “I understand what you’re trying to say but let me ask you something, Dean.... Would it hurt less if I die and Sam doesn’t know about your feelings for me?”

 

“No… it still feels like dying on the inside. Like when I thought I had lost you in Purgatory... But when Sam doesn’t know I could still pretend that I’m strong… for him. It’s hard to explain, I always had to show him that I was strong. Sam tried to talk to me about you when I came back from Purgatory, but he didn’t know about... my real feelings. And not needing to talk about it… It didn’t hurt less, no…. but it didn’t make it worse either. And I just knew… if I would have told him back then… it would have killed me,” Dean knew he had accidentally revealed that his feelings for Cas weren’t exactly a new revelation for him but that didn’t seem to be the thing that had stunned Cas into silently staring at him.

 

Dean let his fingers slide tenderly over Cas’s biceps and over his chest, while he searched his eyes for answers. He wondered what Cas was thinking about when he looked at him like that… Like he had invented the freaking universe and every single star in it.

 

“Cas? You alright?”

 

Cas blinked: “Yes.” He turned around completely to face Dean, his hand touching Dean’s cheek softly. “Talk to me, Cas.”

 

The faintest smile flitted over the angel’s lips: “Some emotions... are still new to me and hard to understand. I feel… happy… for the first time in my entire existence… but it also hurts and I don’t know why.”

 

Dean gave him pained smile and nodded: “Yeah, I know. It doesn’t always make sense… but you know… if it hurts then it’s real.”

 

He brushed his hand through Cas’s hair and kissed him until he felt the angel’s hand pressing against his chest. Cas bit his lip. “I should probably sleep in my room when Sam gets back…”

 

“So, you’re okay with this?”

 

“You tell him when you’re ready,” Cas answered quietly and Dean knew this wasn't an answer to his question. Cas had deflected the question but he chose to let it slide. He wanted to make it right by Cas but he needed time. At least he knew that Cas’s offer to give him that was genuine.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Their last night together had felt… sort of like the end. They both clung to each other, their tenderly shared kisses spoke a clear language of impending loss. One that they both dreaded and wished they could hold off indefinitely. With every kiss Dean felt more like an ass and that he didn't deserve Cas.

 

But Cas didn’t complain. He was understanding and supportive and… Dean knew that was bullshit. He could convince himself that Cas was okay with keeping their relationship a secret but deep down he knew Cas was hurt by it.

 

Which meant that by the time Sam and Charlie finally returned to the bunker late next afternoon, Dean and Cas hadn’t wasted even one second of precious time where they could still be close together – up until that moment. It physically hurt Dean to see Cas standing at the opposite side of the room as they greeted Sam and Charlie. Cas had never really understood the concept of personal space before everything… at least with him, but now he had to stand ten feet away?

 

Unfortunately the first one to notice that something was bothering Dean was Charlie. Probably caught him glowering at Cas for standing so far away. Like that was really necessary… He didn’t even look at him.

 

Charlie frowned and glanced between them before her inquisitive eyes fell on Dean: “Everything okay?”

 

Dean raised his eyebrow: “Sure, did you two have a good time? Did you bring me anything?”

 

“Ah yeah, sure... from a museum....,” Sam laughed: “Because I bet you’d be highly interested in some literature about serial killers and their history.”

 

“Pfff, nerd.”

 

“So, anything new you two want to tell us?” Sam asked with a curious look. Dean exchanged a glance with Cas but his angel was as unreadable as ever. The hunter cleared his throat. “Yeah… we actually have to wait to complete the ritual to get the mark off my arm. Cas’s mojo isn’t at full power and he has to heal first before we do anything. Otherwise the risk for him is too high. But waiting is okay. Cas is helping me a lot to keep this thing in check.”

 

Cas raised an eyebrow and shot him a surprised look which didn’t help Dean feel better at all with this whole secret relationship thing they had going on. Was it really so surprising to Cas that Dean told his brother that Cas was a great help? He made an internal note to compliment his angel more often.

 

“That’s good,” Sam nodded as Cas finally walked over to Dean as if he’d been waiting for an invitation letting him know that it was okay to stand close to him again. Maybe he really wanted to let Dean decide his boundaries. Dean grinned at Cas and laid his arm on his shoulder, enjoying the way Cas smiled back shyly before glancing away.

 

For a moment he caught Charlie and Sam exchanging a knowing look and he wondered what that was about.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Dean couldn’t sleep. Two days with Cas sleeping next to him had apparently been enough to make it unbearable to sleep alone. Now he missed him so much that he couldn’t sleep.

 

It was pathetic.

 

Every inch of his body and mind was telling him to get to Cas and haul his feathery ass in his bed. In their bed. It was his own fault that he was in this miserable situation. If he hadn’t be such a chickenshit about everything….

 

What was driving him especially crazy was that Cas was just down the hall. Not for the first time he contemplated getting up and sneak to his room. To burry his fingers in Cas’s beautiful, soft feathers…

 

That would be pretty difficult to explain to Sam if Cas happened to destroy all the lights in the bunker again though. It had been a lot of work replacing all the lightbulbs before he and Charlie returned.

 

On the other hand sex with Cas was totally worth it.

 

Dean sighed and rolled on his side, wondering what Cas was doing at the moment. If he was sleeping or maybe reading something… He missed Cas’s lips. Kissing him, tasting him… hearing the soft gasps fall from his mouth when he did that.

 

He rolled onto his other side. His gaze falling on the large empty space next to him that Cas had filled so perfectly the night before. A soft knock pulled him from his thoughts.

 

“Yeah?” He sat up on his bed as Cas tentatively entered Dean’s room with an expression that was both tired and sad. Dean swiftly stood up and walked over to his angel, pulling him in close. He buried his nose in the soft, dark hair, taking in Cas’s warmth, and sighed as he felt the tension drain from his body for the first time that night. “I missed you,” he mumbled and pulled back a little as he felt his angel nod. “I know, I can feel you. It’s like you’re constantly calling for me,” Cas answered quietly as he looked down: “I tried to keep away but… I know, I shouldn’t be here–”

 

Dean kissed him, “I’m sorry…, “ Another kiss. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“I should go…,” Cas mumbled before Dean kissed him again and pushed him against the wall. The hunter leant his forehead against the angel’s and they both breathed heavily in the silence of the room. “I don’t want you to go.”

 

“Dean…,” Cas mumbled and dragged his lips over Dean’s, “... what if Sam finds me here?”

 

Dean kissed him again, this time deeply as his hands slid from Cas’s cheeks down to his shoulders before resting on his hips. He wanted to keep him in his room although his mind screamed at him that Cas was right. If he continued this there was no going back. Dean knew that. He wasn’t ready, not yet. He had to stop.

 

Dean let out a frustrated growl and turned away from his angel. He rubbed his hands over his face as he listened to Cas quietly leave his room.

 

 _Fuck._ His throat burned and his eyes stung as he threw himself on his bed, burying his face into the mattress until he felt he couldn’t breathe anymore. He turned around on his bed and stared at the ceiling.

 

“Cas… I know, you can hear me. I’m sorry for being so weak. I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Charlie had agreed to stick around and Sam and Dean were happy that they could keep her around for a little while longer. In her own words she had explained to them that she really dug the MoL library and wanted to learn everything she could about monsters and stuff.

 

So Sam and Charlie spent most of the day nerding about lore while Dean and Cas exchanged shy glances until Dean couldn’t take it anymore. “Hey Cas, you wanna learn a few things about cars? Since you can’t exactly fly at the moment maybe it wouldn’t hurt to know how to fix one, should you ever be on the road again.”

 

Dean mentally patted himself on the back for the amazing idea that would allow him to sneak off for some alone time with Cas. Thankfully, Cas understood the hint and gave him one of his rare “almost” smiles. “Yes, I would like that.”

 

They left Sam and Charlie to their books as they walked away at a fast pace (if they had gone any quicker they would have been running and that would have been suspicious) and as soon as Dean closed the door to the garage behind them he tackled Cas against the wall and kissed him passionately.

  
“Fuck, I missed you,” he managed to mumble between kisses. Cas just hummed and kissed him back fiercely, his stubble rubbing against Dean’s chin and cheek, leaving a delicious burn and Dean hoped that Cas would leave more marks on his skin. He wanted to feel everything from him; he wanted to feel that this was still real and not a dream.

 

Dean quickly unbuttoned Cas’s dress shirt and stroked his naked chest with the desperation of a starving man before he let them fall to Cas’s belt buckle, opening it with hasty fingers.

 

“Are you sure that is a good idea, Dean?” Cas asked with a worried look towards the door.

 

Dean shook his head and pulled him by his belt loop towards the Impala, only to press him against the driver’s side door, kissing him passionately again. “No, but I need you,” he growled and fumbled with the rear door to get it open. They roughly shoved both of their pants and underwear down before tumbling into the backseat, kissing and groping each other without stopping. It was fast and messy, both of them just needed a release of the build up of tension they’ve accumulated over the day. Dean licked his hand and grabbed both of their erections, stroking them at a quick pace that left Cas writhing and moaning under him. The hunter silenced his angel (and himself) with deep kisses when he felt Cas come in his hand. Dean followed right after as he slowly guided them both through the last waves of lust.

 

Both of them were breathing heavily, looking at each other as Dean chuckled: “Thanks for being careful with the lights this time.” Cas grinned and placed a soft kiss on the hunter’s lips. “There’s no space for my wings in here anyway.”

 

Dean looked down at them with a frown: “We made quite the mess…”

 

“Let me take care of that,” Cas mumbled as he touched his stomach and his hand started to glow. A second later everything was gone and even the heavy smell of sex had vanished from the car. Besides the fact that they were still laying half naked on each other, there was no evidence of what they had just done. Dean raised his eyebrows. “That’s amazingly practical.”

 

Cas just nodded and Dean had the feeling that there was something on Cas’s mind. He had this sadness in his eyes that just didn’t seem to fade. “Cas, are you alright?”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

Dean closed his eyes for a moment. It’s not like he could blame Cas for that answer. He wasn’t big on talking about his feelings either. “Cas… come on. I can see that something is bothering you.”

 

“It’s just…,” Cas sighed and looked away from Dean, worrying his lower lip with his teeth. “I was so close to saying that I was always good at cleaning up messes.”

 

Dean stared at him with a questioning look, not understanding where Cas was going with this. “And?”

 

Cas closed his eyes for a moment before he sat up and wiggled back into his pants. “It reminded me… of the time when I hid things from you…”

 

“Cas…,” Dean shook his head and laid his hand on his cheek: “You know, I forgave you for that a long time ago.”

 

“I haven’t… forgiven myself.”

 

Dean knew the feeling. There were a lot of things that happened in his own life that he hadn’t forgiven himself for. He pulled his pants back on and tugged Cas close to his chest, resting his head on his shoulder. “You know what still weighs on me?”

 

“What?” Cas asked, quietly.

 

“The time I threw you out of the bunker when you needed me the most,” Dean mumbled into Cas’s shoulder as he slowly buttoned the angel’s shirt back up. “Dean… I understand that it wasn’t your choice.”

 

Dean chuckled: “Yeah, it’s always like that, right? But you know why we still feel bad about stuff like that? Because it’s a lame excuse. We always have a choice. I was just wrong. I was so afraid that I’d lose Sammy that I couldn’t think. I was stupid. I could have done things differently, I could have talked to you.”

 

A crooked smile flitted over Cas’s lips: “Do you think that we could have avoided our mistakes in the past if we had talked to each other?”

 

Dean shrugged: “I don’t know, man. Past is the past, nothing we can do about it now anyway. I mean the important thing is that we made it through. And we talk now, so that’s a plus.”

 

Cas grinned: “Not only talk…”

 

Dean chuckled and kissed him: “Let’s go back, before the others come looking for us.”

 

Cas sighed and kissed Dean on more time, tenderly and deeply. Dean knew it sucked to keep their relationship a secret. He just hoped Cas would have a little bit more patience with him.

 

Dean and Cas returned from the garage when Charlie sighed: “I don’t know about you guys but I’m starving. I could eat a yeti.” Somehow both Dean and Cas looked like they had walked through a tornado. Sam gave them both a puzzled once-over but before he could ask anything, like for example what Cas had learned about cars, Dean pitched in: “Yeah, let’s go to the diner and maybe hit a bar after that? It’s been ages since we’ve all been out together.”

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

A few hours later Dean was in a really good mood. Sitting with his family in a bar, having fun – it was almost like they were normal people for a while. And the best part was that Cas was with him, sitting right next to him, holding his hand under the table.

 

“I’m getting a new round,” Charlie announced, “Would you come with me, Cas?” Cas shot Dean a questioning look and the hunter smirked and nodded slightly to tell him to go ahead. Since they knew how Cas affected the mark, he was reluctant to let go of Dean and always silently asked Dean’s permission to let go of him. Dean had explained to him a dozen times over the past few days that he didn’t need his freaking permission but Cas chose to ignore that part. He was bull-headed that way but Dean secretly thought it added to his charm.

 

Sam cleared his throat and Dean realized that Sam had caught him staring after Cas with what he guessed was a pretty dopey smile. Sam grinned and Dean huffed, annoyed: “What?”

 

Sam shrugged: “Nothing, I’m just happy you two are both on speaking terms again.”

 

Dean crinkled his forehead: “When weren’t we?”

 

Sam answered with a surprised look plastered all over his face: “Before Charlie and I left. You both avoided each other like the plague. Considering that being close to Cas helps you with the mark it was kind of strange. I thought you guys had a fight.”

 

“Well, we didn’t,“ Dean shrugged and took a large swig from his beer. “I just had some things to work through and Cas gave me some space to do so. He’s very considerate, you know? No prodding or teasing or putting his nose in things where it doesn’t belong.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, Dean. Look, I get it okay? I’m just worried and I wish you would let me in sometimes. I’d really like to know what’s on your mind lately.”

 

Dean closed his eyes for a moment. He was tempted to just tell Sam. But he couldn’t…

 

The hunter let out a sigh and gave Sam a pained look: “I will tell you. But I need more time. That’s all. It’s nothing serious, well actually it is… but not in a bad way. So don’t worry.”

 

While Sam was giving Dean one last curious look before dropping the subject Charlie had her own way of getting information. She wasn’t blind. Maybe Dean thought he was hiding his very obvious feelings for Cas pretty well, but there was no way he could fool the Queen of Moondoor. She could spot an epic love story from miles away – in her mind they were just as obvious as Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. The looks they shared with each other, the secret hand holding under the table (as if that hadn’t been evident), all that wasn’t even subtext anymore.

 

Since she had already learned how bad Cas was with implications and innuendos she tried the direct approach with him while they waited at the bar to order their drinks. “So you like Dean a lot?”

 

“Yes… He’s my friend, “ the angel answered slowly.

 

Charlie smirked: “Yes, but it’s more than that, right? You’re both totally in love with each other. Like Kirk and Spock.”

 

“I don’t recall a romantic relationship between Kirk and Spock,” Cas answered thoughtfully as he tried to remember all the pop culture references Metatron had forced upon him.

 

“So you are saying you and Dean are in a romantic relationship?” Charlie asked with a smile.

 

Cas didn’t answer for a moment and Charlie could see the constricted expression on the angel’s face, as if he was battling with himself over whether he could answer or not. That was the moment Charlie suddenly understood. She laid her hand on Cas’s arm. “It’s okay. I get it. He’s not ready, yet.”

 

Cas didn’t say anything but the thankful look on his face was answer enough. They finally got their beer and headed back to their table. Cas’s face lit up like a Christmas tree as soon as he sat down next to Dean, giving him the bottle. Charlie and Sam grinned at each other when they both noticed the sappy look on Dean’s face, they both hadn’t even noticed how openly they displayed their affection for each other.

 

They were interrupted by a pretty young woman with long red hair and sparkly green eyes, who laid her hand on Cas’s arm and gave him a flirty smile: “Hey there, that’s a really cool coat.”

 

Cas tilted his head: “People keep telling me that but it’s actually quite warm.” The girl stared at him for a moment and Dean rolled his eyes: “She means it looks good on you, Cas.”

 

Realization washed over the angel’s face and he nodded at the young woman kindly: “In that case, thank you for the compliment.”

 

She opened her mouth and stared incredulously at Cas for a moment: “You’re a posh talker, sweety. How about you come over to my table and get to know me?”

 

“He’s not interested,” Dean growled at the young woman and surprised himself by the rather fierce reaction he had towards that girl.

 

She raised an eyebrow and shot him an annoyed look: “What are you? His handler? I’m pretty sure he can speak for himself.”

 

“I can,” Cas answered, confusion written all over his face. “Thank you for the offer but I’m here with my friends.”

 

“I’m sure your friends don’t want to keep you from having some fun time,” the woman said with a flirty tone in her voice that clearly made Cas uncomfortable.

 

Dean felt horrible seeing Cas uncomfortable like that. He was the reason that Cas couldn’t just tell her that he already was with somebody. The hunter looked at his brother who raised a questioning eyebrow at him and Dean finally made his decision: “Okay, knock it off, lady. He’s with me.”

 

Her eyes went wide like saucers as she looked back and forth between them. “You mean, he’s your boyfriend? Wait a minute… if he’s your boyfriend why is he so surprised by you saying this?”

 

Dean looked over at Cas and… yep… that was surprise all over his face. Not really unexpected when he had told him earlier that he wanted to keep their relationship a secret and now was publicly announcing it in front of everyone.

 

“So what? You think I’m not good enough to flirt with your friend? That’s why you’re making shit up?” The woman yelled at Dean and the hunter was painfully aware that she was making a scene and everyone in the bar started to look at them.

 

But he could do this. This was the moment to make it right by Cas and it was... okay. It felt like a moment of sudden clearness, like clouds tearing apart and letting the sun brighten up everything when Dean found his solution. He didn’t want anyone to hit on Cas and he wanted everyone to know that Cas was his. So he did the only thing that was logical in that moment. He ignored the annoying woman, his hands cradling Cas’s cheeks. “I’m sorry for keeping us a secret, “ Dean mumbled before he kissed Cas.

 

For a moment everything around them was silent before he heard cat calls and whistles. Dean was sure that someone in the back of the bar shouted “Fags” but he chose to ignore that (and by ignoring, he meant that he made a mental note to beat the living daylight out of the guy should he make another comment).

 

He was surprised how freeing it felt to kiss Cas. To finally do something to make all of this right and to show Cas how much he meant to him. That this relationship meant everything to Dean and he was willing to commit to it.

 

Dean smiled at Cas, enjoying how happy his angel looked as he laid his arm around his shoulder and pulled him close. He only marginally registered that the annoying woman left their table with an angry huff. Dean felt himself getting lost looking at Cas, still disbelieving  that he was the cause of the happiness that reflected on his lips and his eyes. Sam cleared his throat effectively ending Dean’s reverie.

 

“What?” he asked his younger brother with a frown.

 

Sam gaped at them: “Really?? Dean! You and Cas? When were you going to tell me?”

 

“A few minutes ago,” Dean shrugged and grinned as he noticed Cas shaking his head slightly in amusement.

 

“So you’re together now, like _together_ together?” Sam asked again. “Since when?”

 

Dean rolled his eyes: “Yeah, like a real couple and don’t get your panties in a twist – it’s pretty new.”

 

“Okay, wow… um congratulations. You two deserve some happiness, “ Sam smiled before he noticed Charlie’s expression. “You knew, didn’t you?”

 

Charlie shrugged: “They aren’t very subtle. And they were totally making out in the garage before, right?”

 

Sam’s mouth fell open before he gave Cas and Dean a scandalized look: “Wait a minute… when I called you last night, did you…. were you….?

 

Dean just grinned: “I totally had a naked angel on my lap”

 

“TMI, Dean. TMI.”

 

“It’s a perfectly natural thing, Sammy,” Dean teased, enjoying the way Cas buried his face on his shoulder. He stroked through his soft hair, loving how he didn’t need to hold back anymore.

 

When they were back in the bunker an hour later Dean was incredibly happy that he could pull Cas into his bedroom without hesitation. He couldn’t even remember why he thought it was a good idea to keep their relationship a secret. The hunter was a bit drunk and chuckled as he pulled Cas to his bed by his tie. “Hi, handsome.”

 

Cas grinned at him: “You’re inebriated.”

 

“And you’re mine,” the hunter growled and lurched forward to claim Cas’s lips. He helped Cas remove his clothes before he undressed himself in a hurry and sat down on the bed behind him. Dean pulled Cas close to him, so that he was on his lap with his back to him. The hunter wrapped his arms around the angel’s chest, teasing his nipples with his thumb as he kissed the nape of Cas’s neck.  

 

 _God,_ he felt so good in his arms. “Cas....,” he murmured in his ear. Dean leaned forward to get the lube from his drawer, coating his fingers generously before he fingered Cas’s hole tenderly. He had his angel panting and moaning in no time. Cas supported himself on his hands as he leant forward on the bed to give Dean better access, to let him in deeper. Seeing him like that made Dean dizzy with want; he already had a nice buzz from the beer, feeling lighthearted and just plainly happy. But this… this was perfection in every sense of the word.

 

His free hand found its way into Cas’s hair before he let it slide down his neck, resting it between Cas’s shoulder blades. He only applied a bit of pressure to let Cas know that he should stay in this position as he slowly entered Cas.

 

Dean needed a few moments to calm himself down, being with Cas like this… still felt overwhelming in so many ways. The hunter slipped his arms around his angel and pulled him up so he was sitting in his lap, the whole length of his back pressed against Dean. Dean rested his chin on Cas’s shoulder, peppering the soft skin there with kisses as he smiled, happy at how perfectly they fit together – and not only physically. With Cas he could finally have everything that he had been missing in his life that could have made him happy, someone who fit in his world as a hunter. Someone who was strong and that he could trust with his life. Someone who loved him and would stay.

 

He translated everything he felt into tender kisses, soft touches and a slow pace, showing his angel how much he completed Dean. Cas leant against him, turning his head to rub his nose into Dean’s hair when Dean wrapped his arms around him to hold him close. It felt incredibly intimate and not like anything Dean had ever experienced with anyone else before. It wasn’t about chasing his own release, it was more like melting into Cas, erasing everything that kept them apart and losing himself inside of the angel, becoming one entity.

 

They found their climax at the same time and Dean stayed inside of Cas for as long as possible, afterward they lay down in each other’s arms, their ragged breathing the only noise in their bedroom.

 

“You’re perfect,” Dean mumbled into Cas’s neck as he closed his eyes and sleep finally overwhelmed him.

 

…. :::: :::: …..

The next day started very slow. But to be fair Dean still wasn’t used to waking up next to a warm body in the shape of a handsome angel. And if that meant waking up with a smile plastered on his face and absolutely no desire to get out of the bed… well so what? _Hell_ , he deserved some happiness in his life.

 

Dean thought it was strange that such a mundane thing had so much influence on his mood. Battling against the effect of the mark had been difficult and now – even without Cas touching him all the time – it felt easy. He felt balanced and happy.

 

In the following days they developed a new dynamic with Cas being a permanent inhabitant of the bunker. They said their goodbye to Charlie – not before they let her swear an oath on her queendom to come back soon so that Sam could finally get his chance to beat her at Mario Kart.

 

When Dean and Cas weren’t secretly and incredibly stealthily smooching or making out somewhere in the bunker, Cas spent his time with Sam discussing spells and books from the Men of Letter’s library. Since Sam knew they were legacies he tried to learn more about spells and the lore, harnessing his inner bookworm to become a real Man of Letter.

 

Dean watched them sometimes, grinning like an idiot with how much happiness he felt, seeing the two most important people in his world sitting together like this – his family.

 

But somehow in the back of his mind there was this voice, telling him that this wouldn’t last. That there was a countdown that slowly ticked away, ending the harmony and happiness. He tried his best to ignore it, banning these thoughts far away behind thick walls in his mind – but they were there. And that’s why he felt his heart stumbling when Cas approached him a few blissful weeks later in the kitchen with a frown on his face. “Dean, there’s something I want to show you. Would you come with me?”

 

“Okay…,” Dean answered slowly; a strange feeling settled in his stomach as he followed Cas outside of the bunker. They walked a while next to each other through the woods in silence before they reached an open field.

 

“So what is it you wanted to show me, Cas?” Dean asked when they stopped in the middle of the huge meadow.

 

Cas didn’t answer, instead he turned around to Dean and closed his eyes for a moment. Dean felt the hair on his arms rising with the sudden tension in the air. A warm gust pulled at his clothes before Cas’s wings appeared out of nowhere.

 

Dean stared at them in awe as Cas raised them to their full span, displaying all the black feathers in the bright afternoon sunlight.

 

And then Dean understood. Cas was healed…

 

The angel looked at him, his eyes steady as his voice: “I’m ready.”

 

Dean slowly shook his head: "I'm not... I just...can't..."

 

…. :::: :::: …..

 

It was Dean’s default reaction when he couldn’t handle things. He drove away. He just had to go and be alone for a while. After Cas’s revelation he just had to. It was stupid, he knew that. The last thing he wanted was to be away from Cas. But he just couldn’t think.

 

So he did what he always did when shit hit the fan. He got into the Impala and drove. He didn’t even drive that far. Just followed the road for a few miles to get his head clear.

 

The only problem was that it didn’t work.

 

He had to stop the car because his sight was starting to get blurry. Dean bit his lips to pull himself together but it didn’t kept the first tear from falling. He parked the Impala at the side of the road and punched the steering wheel a few times very hard; trying to exchange the pain inside of him with physical pain. Something that would hurt less.

 

It felt like an eternity of numbness in which he had rested his head against the cool window, not thinking about anything. After a while though he felt the mark come alive and he had to get out of the car because it suddenly felt like he was suffocating.

 

He didn’t hear the other car approaching when he leant against the Impala taking in deep breaths to calm himself down.

 

“Dean?” It was Sam.

 

Dean breathed out slowly before he looked up at his brother. “How’d you find me?”

 

“You left your phone on… And you wouldn’t have made that mistake if you didn’t wanna be found.”

 

Dean scoffed and sat down on the hood of the Impala. Truth be told, he _had_ made that mistake. All his thoughts were on Cas and he had forgotten about the GPS tracker in his phone. And for some reason that made him even angrier with himself.

 

It felt like he just had found happiness in his life only to lose it again. And he knew it would break him. Knowing how his life could be… he couldn’t live without that anymore. If he were to lose Cas...

 

“Why are you doing this, Dean? We searched so hard for an answer and now that we got one you don’t want to use it? What the hell, Dean? Why aren’t you letting Cas do this? Why did you ran away?”

 

“Because I love him, Sam,” Dean shouted, stunning them both into silence with the sudden outburst. They stared at each other, both breathing heavily from the argument before Dean closed his eyes in resignation: “I can’t lose him. It’s my fault if something happens to him and I just can’t…”

 

His voice cracked and he felt his throat choking up, his hands desperately clenching into fists.

Sam walked up to him and pulled him into his arms. “Dean… Cas is strong. He will bounce back from this. He always does. And we need to do this. You need this thing off your arm.”

 

“I know… Sam, I know.”

 

…. :::: :::: …..

 

“I’m sorry for–,” Dean started before Cas interrupted him. “Don’t. I understand.” The angel pulled Dean into his arms and the hunter melted into his touch. The dark pulses of the mark and the weight on his chest vanished into thin air, letting Dean inhale a deep shuddering breath as Cas kissed his cheek. “Nothing will change how I feel for you, Dean. I promise you.”

 

Dean gave him a pained smile: “I just don’t want to lose you.”

 

“You won’t.”

 

The enochian cleansing ritual wasn’t like the bonding ritual they did before. There were no ingredients, no fancy candles or words. They just needed a place for themselves so they decided to use the bunker’s dungeon. Sam wanted to stay with them but Cas explained that it was too dangerous for him for he didn’t know what would happen around them.  

 

So they were both left alone in the dungeon, sitting on a blanket across from each other. “I have to warn you, Dean. This ritual is going to hurt. Mostly me though.... so be prepared,” Cas told him in a quiet voice. Dean took Cas’s hand in his and looked down at them. “I’m afraid, Cas.”

 

“Nothing is going to happen to me, Dean.”

 

“What makes you so sure about that?”

 

Cas smiled: “I died by the hand of Raphael and Lucifer, I was stabbed to death by a reaper, I survived the Leviathans and Purgatory… But I always came back to you... as you came back to me. Our story isn’t over. It just started and after everything, we deserve that, don’t you think?”

 

“So you’re saying, I just have to believe?” Dean asked, quietly.

 

“If in nothing else then believe in me.”

 

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and pulled him close: “If you’re not making it, I’ll find a way to hunt your shabby trenchcoat ghost and kick your ass.” He felt Cas chuckling against him as Dean rested his head on his shoulder. The hunter looked up and their eyes met. For a moment they just gazed at each other, their eyes telling everything words just couldn’t.

 

“Are you ready?” Cas asked, his voice soft and warm.

 

Dean shook his head: “No, but it’s not like we have a choice.”

 

Cas nodded and touched the hunter’s cheek before he leant in and placed a tender kiss on Dean’s lips. A warm surge of air surrounded them before Cas’s wings appeared out of nowhere.

 

Dean took one last look at them, knowing that they would disappear... maybe forever after the ritual was done. “Keep holding me close. It’s important we stay in contact for this. Whatever happens, don’t let go of me.”

 

Dean nodded and pulled Cas close to his chest. He felt the angel getting warmer as he started to glow in bright light. And suddenly it hurt, it felt like liquid fire burning through his veins and Dean screamed and nearly blacked out. Or he thought he was screaming. His ears started to bleed and he pressed Cas closer to his body. He wouldn’t let go.

 

Cas screamed. Dean could see his wings flaring up in blue flames, consuming them in blazing light. Tears ran from his eyes, not from his own pain but from having to watch how Cas suffered. All because of him. He held him close, the only thing he could do really. Giving him something to hold on to, to get through this. “Cas, please,” Dean whimpered. “Please.”

 

And then it stopped. All the pain was gone and the silence after Cas’s screams was deafening. The angel collapsed on the hunter and Dean turned them around. His hand finding Cas’s face: “Cas!! CAS!!” His eyes were closed and he didn’t stir.

 

“CAS!!! WAKE UP!!” Dean shouted, tears clouding his vision.

 

But Cas didn’t wake up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one chapter to go :D! Thank you so much drunk_idjit for working through this looooooong chapter!!!
> 
> P.S. I love comments as much as Dean loves Cas and Pie. Together.


	8. Chapter 8

Sam rushed into the room when he heard Dean shouting at Cas to wake up. Cas's head was lying limply on Dean's lap and his brother was holding the angel’s face, begging him to wake up.

 

Sam checked the floor and the walls but there were no angel wings burned into them – so that was a good sign, he guessed.

 

He knelt beside his brother, who still hadn't noticed him coming in and held his hand in front of Cas's mouth to check if he was breathing. "Dean, he's fine. He's breathing. Let's get him into your bed so he can rest. Come on, let me help you."

 

But Dean didn't want Sam's help, he just nodded, a distraught expression on his face when he gathered Cas into his arms and stood up. He carried his angel out of the dungeon with Sam right on his heels. "He hadn't mentioned anything about losing consciousness... Sam what if he doesn't wake up?"

 

"Dean! This is Cas! Of course he’ll wake up!"

 

_ If in nothing else then believe in me. _

 

Dean tried to. He really did, although it felt more like the desperation of a drowning man, clinging to the hope that Cas had been right and he would come out of this ritual unharmed. He laid his angel down on his bed, pulling the blanket over him to keep him warm and sat down next to him, his eyes never leaving Cas. 

 

“Dean? Dean!” Just then Dean noticed that it wasn’t the first time Sam had tried to get his attention. “What?”

 

“Did it work?”

 

For a moment Dean didn’t know what Sam was talking about until he gestured at his arm. Dean raised his eyebrow, “Oh…,” He pulled his sleeve up to check his arm and… yes. 

 

The mark was gone. It worked. Cas did it.

 

Sam sighed in relief and sat down next to Dean on the bed. His younger brother smiled but Dean didn’t feel relief or happiness about being free of the mark – not yet... First he had to know if Cas was going to be okay.

 

For the next few hours Dean didn’t leave Cas’s side. Sam had brought him something to eat but his brother declined, mumbling something along the lines of not being hungry. As far as Sam could tell he hadn’t moved at all. He sat, frozen in place, holding Cas’s hand in his as he stared at him solemnly.

 

Until Cas groaned in pain. 

 

“Cas? Hey, Cas!” Dean bent over his angel, one hand caressing his cheek.

 

Tired blue eyes met worried green and Cas gave him a warm smile: “Hello Dean.”

 

Relief flooded Dean’s body and the weight on his chest disappeared, letting him breathe again. He returned the smile as he caressed Cas’s disheveled hair in a futile attempt to straighten it. “Hey, how are you feeling?”

 

“Like I’ve been run over by a brontosaurus… twice.”  

 

Dean raised an eyebrow: “You would know, I guess… So…. You still you? Is any of your grace left?”

 

For a moment Cas was silent and Dean could just feel the tension slowing his heart to a stop. Cas wearily closed his eyes for a few agonizing seconds before looking up at both Dean and Sam in surprise. “It’s still there! It’s faint and it will take a lot of time to recover... but it’s there.”

 

Dean’s face split into a relieved smile that mirrored the huge smile that appeared on the angel’s face. He surged forward to gather Cas in his arms, grinning even more when Cas made an ‘oof’ sound as he pulled him close to his body. He kissed his forehead and heard Sam chuckling next to them but Dean didn’t mind. He knew he was helplessly gone for his angel. And right at this moment, everything was fine. Life was good. Cas would be okay.

 

And that was all that mattered.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

  
  


In the days that followed, Cas had to get used to the fact that he was practically human again. Although eating and showering were things he clearly enjoyed, he still couldn’t fathom the sheer amount of things that were needed just to keep his body running. At some point he asked how they even get anything done with the constant need to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom.

 

Cas needed a few days to find his sea legs again and in all this time Dean had treated him like a raw egg. At one point Cas had just had enough: “Dean, stop it! I’m not a baby in need of coddling!” 

 

The blanket Dean held in his hand fell to the floor as he blinked in surprise at a glaring Cas. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to…,” Dean murmured quietly before Cas pulled him close: “I miss you. You haven’t kissed me in 49 hours, 14 minutes and 12 seconds.”

 

Dean grinned: “You counted?”

 

“No.”

 

Cas surged forward and kissed him, effectively showing Dean that he didn’t need to be treated like he was broken and weak. He shoved Dean against the wall in what had become their room over the past few days, grinding his hips against the hunter’s.

 

Dean wasn’t used to Cas being so dominant. Usually the hunter was the one who initiated any intimacy – not that he was complaining. He loved it when Cas was all badass like that.

 

And there was this other thing that Dean had thought about a lot in the past few days. “Cas…,” Dean murmured between kisses, “I want you inside me.”

 

For a moment Cas stopped kissing him and stared at him in surprise. “Are you sure? You don’t have to, Dean.”

 

Dean smiled shyly. He knew why he didn’t want to bottom in the first place. It was all for the wrong reasons and he knew this now. Now he wanted it for the right reasons. “I trust you with my life and I trust you with this.”

 

Cas searched his eyes for a moment, surprise still written all over his face before he slowly shook his head: “You amaze me, Dean…”

 

“Pfff, don’t make a big moment out of it,” Dean chuckled, feeling uncomfortable with the praise and the look Cas was giving him. It’s not like he invented the universe but Cas sure as  _ Hell _ was looking at him like that. 

 

Cas pulled him to their bed with a huge smile plastered on his face and quickly removed his t-shirt, which was technically Dean’s but he didn’t mind Cas constantly stealing from his wardrobe. The hunter loved seeing Cas in his clothes. It satisfied some primal need inside of Dean that wanted to mark Cas as his. 

 

And then there was Cas’s enochian tattoo. Dean didn’t realize it before but it seemed that he had a thing for tattoos - or, more precisely, tattoos on Cas. He ran his fingers tenderly over the symbols, enjoying the way Cas’s muscles twitched under his touch. Dean grinned and planted a quick kiss on his angel’s lips. “You’re a bit ticklish here, right?”

 

“Of course not,” Castiel smile back just before Dean’s grin widened mischievously and he shoved his angel onto the bed, pinning him down by settling his full weight on Cas’s lap. The hunter pulled his own t-shirt off and tossed it on a nearby chair before diving down and leaving a trail of kisses from Cas’s chest down to the tattoo. He enjoyed himself as he meticulously traced every symbol with his tongue. When he glanced up he could see that Cas was biting his bottom lip to keep himself from breaking out into laughter. “Not ticklish my ass,” grinned Dean, smugly.

  
Cas flipped them over on the bed in one swift motion and wiped the smug expression off of Dean’s face.  Although his grace was nearly depleted he was still so much stronger than Dean. The hunter bet Cas could hold him up and fuck him against the wall without breaking a sweat.  

 

Dean started to hastily unbutton their pants so they could both get out of them without having to pause their frantic kissing. He knew he would never want out of this. Cas was it for him and every time the thought crossed Dean’s mind it was less scary and instead just left him feeling happy. 

 

He hummed contentedly as Cas licked and kissed his way down his chest, sliding down on the bed until he reached the hunter’s thigh, laying gentle kisses and soft bites on the skin around Dean’s aching hard cock. “Ugh, Cas… that feels good…,” Dean gasped as he buried his fingers into Cas’s soft hair. The hunter had pleasantly discovered that Cas was an incredibly quick learner and when he was really focused on something he was more than attentive. In such a short time he had discovered all of Dean’s favorite spots, even some areas Dean wasn’t aware of before that would just make him melt under Cas’s hands or lips. 

 

He thought he’d be feeling more nervous about his first time being on the receiving end but when Cas tenderly stroked his entrance with lube slicked fingers while using his mouth and tongue on his dick he felt nothing but hot and ready for this. Actually, he was pretty eager for it to the point that he wasn't sure he could wait any longer. Watching Cas’s lips wrapped around his cock was a sight he could never get used to. Somehow he just looked so sinful and sexy… Dean had a hard time pulling himself together to not come just from watching his angel. 

 

The hunter had expected it to hurt when Cas gingerly squeezed one finger inside of him but it had only felt just a little strange at first. What Dean was absolutely unprepared for was the overwhelming jolt of pleasure he felt when Cas brushed against his prostate. He moaned loudly and arched his back, nearly coming just from the sudden surge of lust. “Feels good, right?” Cas smiled as he carefully added a second finger. “Uh huh,” Dean gasped and dropped his head back into the pillow as he enjoyed the incredible feeling coursing through his body. 

 

_ God, that felt amazing. _ He couldn’t wait to have Cas inside of him. He couldn’t really remember why he hadn’t tried this sooner with Cas – although to be fair – at the moment he could barely remember his own name. “Cas… um, please. I’m ready… come on…,” Dean gasped between short breaths. 

 

Cas nodded breathlessly and kissed him before coating his length with a generous amount of lube. He was careful with the hunter, watching his face for even the tiniest hint of pain as he slowly entered him. Dean closed his eyes and pulled Cas in close to his body as soon as he was fully inside of him.

 

He never wanted to let go of him ever again. It felt perfect feeling him so close and inside of him – like he was completing Dean, filling the huge hole in the hunter’s heart that all the misery in his life had left him with.

 

Cas rubbed his nose against his throat, his voice was rough and low: “Thank you, Dean.”

 

Dean chuckled before he kissed him: “For what?”

 

Cas smiled at him, his eyes full so of love and warmth that it nearly took Dean’s breath away: “Everything…,” He kissed him, “For this…,” Cas kissed him again. “For making me happy.”

Dean deepened their kiss the next time his angel dipped down, cupping Cas’s face in his hands while tenderly stroking his fingers over his eyebrows and cheeks before settling his fingers into his messy hair.  After that the kiss went from tender to heated in a few seconds and Cas finally began to move his hips while he supported his weight on his elbows. 

 

The angle was perfect. He hit Dean’s sweet spot with every thrust and the hunter felt like he was leaving this world, vanishing in the moans and sweet mumbled nonsense that was unintentionally leaving his lips. All he could do was hold onto Cas’s strong arms to not drown into the intensity that he was feeling. 

 

It took a long time to get back into the real world with how hard his orgasm hit him. Dean turned his head on his pillow and smiled at Cas who lay close beside him, his arm loosely around the hunter’s chest, and watched him drowsily but with a soft smile on his lips. “Wow… Cas…,” Dean murmured, still surprised about what had happened. Because seriously… this – this was the most intense and best sex he ever had in his entire life. On a scale from 0 to 10, this had been so epic that it not only blew up the scale but left it behind in a pile of dust. How he could be so lucky to have Cas in his life was beyond his understanding.

 

Cas just smiled and kissed the tip of Dean’s nose before he snuggled closer and fell asleep.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Charlie smiled as she leaned back in the chair next to Cas who frowned, deep in concentration, as he stared at the laptop screen before him. Since she had introduced him to ‘Portal 2’ the angel had owned the game. He didn’t even seem to think about how to get through each room – he just took one look and solved the puzzle. To say that Charlie was impressed with him was the understatement of the century. 

 

She enjoyed being back at the bunker. Since Dean and Cas were official the atmosphere in the bunker had changed a lot. In all the years she’d known Dean she had never seen him so carefree, he was practically glowing with happiness. The secondhand bliss they both radiated had even infected Sammy, who she more than often caught with grins and smiles, mostly when he was teasing his brother for being a sap.

 

“Why is the cake a lie?” Cas asked suddenly, tilting his head in confusion as he read the sentence scribbled ingame on a wall. 

 

Charlie chuckled: “The cake is a promise of something wonderful at the end. It represents the hope that there will be one and that there will be a reward, you know. So you know that all your suffering was worth it.”

 

Cas nodded, contemplating what Charlie had said. Then he smiled: “Good thing that Dean loves pie and not cake.”

 

Charlie couldn’t help but laugh so hard that she nearly dropped her cup of coffee.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Sam was having fun. There wasn’t a better way to describe it. He sat in the kitchen, leaning against the back of the chair and just watched as Dean and Cas cooked pasta. Technically, he had joined his brother and Cas in the kitchen for some company while he continued his research for old Men of Letter branches, hoping that maybe he would find other legacies like them. But he was actually distracted by the affectionate display put on by the couple right in front of him. 

 

It still felt strange seeing them together like this. Cas had been their friend for such a long time now and Sam never even considered that he could be “the one” for Dean. He remembered now how they had always had that “profound bond” and that they did end up staring at each other way too often – and now that he thought about it maybe he should have seen it coming. Especially when he thought about how broken Dean had been after Purgatory when he thought he had lost Cas forever. He was overjoyed with how everything had worked out, mostly because he knew how much Dean really needed someone in his life. Someone who would stay by his side even through the end of the world. 

 

Sam was convinced he would never see his brother have that with anyone. So obviously in love, trading playful shoves with their shoulders and smiles as Cas cut tomatoes and Dean stirred a sauce that smelled delicious. 

 

“Can I taste it again? I wasn’t paying attention.” Cas looked so innocent Sam would have almost believed him if he hadn't already known that Cas was using “tasting” as an excuse to eat all the ingredients before they could be used for cooking. He had once explained that he liked learning the taste of everything as a single entity – or something like that. Dean knew it too but he fell for it anyway. 

 

“One more time but that’s it. Otherwise there’ll be nothing left for the pasta.” Dean grinned and held the spoonful of sauce to the angel’s mouth so he could get another taste. Cas smiled, his eyes never leaving Dean’s as the hunter spoon fed his angel with a wide, happy grin. Sam chuckled and shook his head. Those two were ridiculously domestic and Sam enjoyed every second of getting to watch them together. 

 

They deserved this so much. Only a tiny part in him was jealous of their relationship. He wished he had someone in his life who looked at him like Cas looked at Dean.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

 

Dean watched his angel kneel in the dirt just outside the bunker surrounded by various spring flowers and herbs that he was planting into the soil. He had a serene smile on his lips, he radiated peace and happiness – feelings that Dean knew hadn’t been in Castiel’s life for a long time. Nowadays those emotions had taken up a permanent residence on his face and the hunter still found it hard to believe sometimes, that he was the reason for it. 

 

But Cas did a great job reminding him everyday. With every kiss and touch and in the warmth and security when they held each other during the night. Dean smiled, knowing that he had never felt so complete before. 

 

He finally had the feeling that he had arrived at a point in his life that he had always wanted to end up. Like every cell in his body had compelled him to reach this moment. There had always been this emptiness in his life, this yearning and pining for something he didn’t quite understand. 

 

Now he got it.

 

The first sunrays of the morning light felt warm on his skin and the air smelled like earth and fresh rain. Birds sang their songs in the otherwise quiet forest and...  

 

_.... everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. _

 

Dean was home and it was perfect. He felt his eyes burn when a single tear threatened to fall from his face as he continued watching his angel planting his garden.

 

“Are you okay, Dean?”

 

Dean smiled. Cas still had the power to silence something in him. Not the old vicious curse like before but to silence a need that hadn’t been fulfilled for a long time in his life. Something he had never dared to hope for.

 

A need to share his life with someone he loved and who loved him in return. Someone he would spend the rest of his life with. Someone who made him happy.

 

They would never be a normal couple with a white picket fence, a garden and a dog… but that wasn’t what Dean was looking for anymore. He loved to be a hunter, to help innocent people. It wasn’t just a job for him, it was his life. A life he had sacrificed his happiness for, for he had learned the hard way that he couldn’t have anyone at his side, couldn’t be responsible for dragging someone down into the darkness and pain that hunting monsters entailed.

 

But Cas was already there with him in the trenches. He never had to pretend in front of Cas. He knew the life and he had been at his side for such a long time now, always watching over him, sacrificing everything for him. And despite everything he had always come back to Dean and now he had promised to stay.

 

Dean didn’t answer Cas’s question with words. He just smiled at him, enjoying how happy he felt.

 

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finish line, yes! I had so much fun writing this story and I can’t thank all my readers enough for leaving kudos and comments. You guys rock!
> 
> My special thanks and endless gratitude is for my beta drunk_idjit. Thank you for being my safety net, training wheels and for your patience working through endless pages of grammar hiccups.


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